I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks about my childhood lately…like I’m reliving it or something…. Maybe I brought it up on myself by deciding to tell my story on the web…I don’t know…

Sometimes I think I’m only doing it to make other people feel sorry for me or something…like I want people to tell me that I’m not bad…..does that make any sense? I don’t want that really… but the other day I read over what I’ve written there…. I got the feeling that this was too much… and the people who come and read it…what will they think? well who cares…. well I do….I grew up hearing each day that I was evil and put on this earth to hurt people and the only way that I could be stopped was to feel pain… First I was “controlled” by my mother and then me…. I thought I had stopped…I haven’t done any Si for 4 years….or have I maybe? I don’t know? I haven’t done any cutting or burning or things like that…but I haven’t been eating…

I feel sometimes like I don’t deserve to eat…and that I should feel weak or hungry or something… is that SI? This has been going on for some time now and now it’s like if I try to eat I can’t…I feel sick and I can’t swallow…I don’t know anything about eating disorders and I’ve never heard of it happening with a guy… I can’t tell my therapist…I can’t talk to her anymore… Last time I was there I had a major Panic Attack…. I don’t go outside….I don’t sleep….. I’m a burden to my wife…. she’s the one who has to work…Don’t know how she can put up with me….but if she would leave I would die for sure….. I lie to her and tell her I’m OK…. I tell everyone who asks that I’m OK…. I’m scared but I feel that I deserve to feel scared…. I don’t deserve to be happy….EVER….

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