I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks about my childhood lately…like I’m reliving it or something…. Maybe I brought it up on myself by deciding to tell my story on the web…I don’t know…
Sometimes I think I’m only doing it to make other people feel sorry for me or something…like I want people to tell me that I’m not bad…..does that make any sense? I don’t want that really… but the other day I read over what I’ve written there…. I got the feeling that this was too much… and the people who come and read it…what will they think? well who cares…. well I do….I grew up hearing each day that I was evil and put on this earth to hurt people and the only way that I could be stopped was to feel pain… First I was “controlled” by my mother and then me…. I thought I had stopped…I haven’t done any Si for 4 years….or have I maybe? I don’t know? I haven’t done any cutting or burning or things like that…but I haven’t been eating…
I feel sometimes like I don’t deserve to eat…and that I should feel weak or hungry or something… is that SI? This has been going on for some time now and now it’s like if I try to eat I can’t…I feel sick and I can’t swallow…I don’t know anything about eating disorders and I’ve never heard of it happening with a guy… I can’t tell my therapist…I can’t talk to her anymore… Last time I was there I had a major Panic Attack…. I don’t go outside….I don’t sleep….. I’m a burden to my wife…. she’s the one who has to work…Don’t know how she can put up with me….but if she would leave I would die for sure….. I lie to her and tell her I’m OK…. I tell everyone who asks that I’m OK…. I’m scared but I feel that I deserve to feel scared…. I don’t deserve to be happy….EVER….
I know how you feel, I have the same thing. I feel nausea instead of hungry or full. This is what helped me: Zoloft, changing to a better therapist, and marijuana really helps my appetite and takes away nausea. Hang in there, you deserve happiness!!! 🙂
Oops – By the way, it sounds like you may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Have you been diagnosed as such? You should really talk about it with your spouse when you can, you’ll both feel better and stronger, and I am guessing she would be happy knowing you trust her enough to seek her support.