I haven’t cut again… I don’t know it’s good or bad for me…I guess before my first cut in 3 years I’d already been SI-ing in a way by not eating …I know I have to eat in order to live so I eat now…but I’m back to cutting…That’s just something that I have to live with… for now anyway…
I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately…geez…maybe to much…and when I go in that thinking stage I often get my self depressed and anxious and end up with a major panic attack…
I don’t usually sleep much…so when my family is sleeping…at nights…I have a lot of time to think….I write down my thoughts and sometimes when or if I read it later I ask my self who was writing this stuff?….
Most of the time I’m like two different people …even more… There is the part that want’s to go on..have a life with my family with out the anxiety, SI and depression…wanting to get better…and then the part who wants to or has to feel miserable so the people I know can be happy… think it’s wired..at times when I’m doing ok…I know I don’t have any “reason” to cut or to feel bad…I mean the past is the past…
I’m not a bad person and I don’t have to punish myself…and this might sound a bit egoistic….I don’t look bad either… so where is my reason for this behavior?…Why do I do this? I used to think I had reasons for SIing in the past…but now when I’ve done it again I’m not so sure….
I am a member of a support group for people who have lost a loved one….I host there in one of the chat rooms in the mornings 3 days a week. This is the place where I learned to open up to people…strangers…about my feelings….I feel safe there….but the past few days have been very difficult there….This morning when I was there someone asked me how I cope with my loss… The first thing that came into my mind was OMG I don’t belong here…I’m supposed to be helping people and I can’t help myself…at least not like “normal” people…. I can’t tell people that I want to cut myself in order to feel better…I ended up having a major panic attack and had to leave the room… I felt SO embarrassed and I was so angry at myself… I wanted to cut or burn so bad…..My 3 year old was home so I didn’t….but instead I wrote….
I don’t know much about SI…except that I’ve done it…so I feel a bit stupid in this aria…..in fact I thought I was the only one who did this until not so long ago… I have never told my therapist about it…cause I’ve felt ashamed for doing this…and also I thought I wouldn’t start again… Now I’m not so sure…I’m afraid that if I tell her about this she’ll end up hating me or something…She’s been my therapist for a long time…and I don’t think I can handle finding a new one…
