First today’s positives…
1. My wife loves me
2. My kids love me
3. The sun is shining outside
4. My therapist and my doctor know I SI (well I still don’t know it this is positive for me )
5. In a few days there will be more time of daylight than dark nights.
…and now the other stuff …just some thoughts about my cutting and fears….
Well on Friday I wrote I was going to tell my doc about my SI….I told her..she took it much better than I thought she would…rather frustrating really that she took it so well…I mean I feel like I deserve some hassles for keeping this away from her for so long….and the fact that I ‘ve lied to her about things that have to do with my past SI…. Well anyway this wasn’t what I was going to write about…..
My doc asked me to try to figure out what I’m thinking about before and when I cut….. I’ve been going through it in my mind all weekend and I just can’t figure it out…. I cut Saturday night….I remember playing the piano for a while before my wife went to bed….I think I played for a while after that…then switched over to my midi keyboard ( to use head phones so I would wake up the whole neighborhood) Then I the next thing I remember is that I’ve cut…. this bothers me a lot….
Since I started cutting again after my 3 SI free years I don’t think about cutting…it just kind off happens…it’s almost like I’m doing this to feel the guilt that comes when I’m done…. This scares me a lot…In the past I sometimes used to cut with out thinking about it and the cuts got deeper and out of control… even ruined my career as a professional pianist…