I’m freaking out here…… I think I’m falling again….I haven’t been sleeping….I haven’t been eating….and I cut…..I have a panic attack almost every day and when I fall asleep I have nightmares so I don’t get any rest…..Sleeping scares me so I try to keep myself awake…

Everything is so twisted here….I know I made a promise to my wife that I wouldn’t cut….but I also told her that I might not be able to keep it. She told me to think about our children and I don’t want them to see. I wish I’d never started to remember all those horrible things from my childhood… then things might be a little different for me… I want the fog to come back…I don’t want to remember more…I can’t take this anymore…

My wife doesn’t deserve this nor do my children….They need someone who is stable and who doesn’t have to make them worried every day… I know this is the depressed me writing and maybe I feel better in a while…that’s how it is…isn’t it? I sick of it! I want to feel nothing….I want to just be…. without the emotions, the wishes, the nightmares and the fear… Someone said that you won’t get more pain in your life than you can handle….I’ve had it! I want it to go away and be forgotten… Why can’t I?

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