Sometimes I feel a little better when I just write an e-mail to someone without sending it and/or getting replies…and sometimes I just write about things that are so horrible and that I shouldn’t be telling people.
My father is staying here for a few days and I’m trying to keep my act together and put on a strong and happy face cause if I don’t he would go on about how he got over his problems all by himself and I should be able to do that too.
He knows that I used to self-harm but he doesn’t know that I’m doing it again. According to him… I’m a wimp… but he didn’t go through my childhood… and maybe if he would have spent a little more time at home he would understand it better…
He wasn’t physically tortured by my mother. Or… maybe he’s right… I know deep down that I should be happy now….I don’t have to live my life looking back over my shoulder to my childhood… My mother isn’t here to hurt me… so why do I have to keep on doing it myself?….why now?
I can’t help feeling that I don’t deserve to be loved or cared about… It just doesn’t feel right to me….I am a total mess… I feel like I’m losing control over myself… I have urges to self-harm almost every day. I don’t think I deserve being a part of such a great group of people as BUS or GROWW ( The chat-room I’ve been hosting in )
This is the main reason why I don’t feel that I should be hosting in #GR…. Weather I’m hosting or not…. I can’t tell people in there how I’m feeling… I just lie… if I tell the truth they will ask why and that I can’t tell them…I can’t just tell people there that I want to hurt myself….. I would never do that…so I just say if someone asks that I’m OK or fine…I’ve told you before that just by being in there helps…but then there is the guilt of just lurking around in there and not being able to participate in the ongoing discussion because I’m too wrapped up in my own problems and thoughts…
I feel guilty for self-harming… I can’t really talk about it to anyone… except maybe my therapist and the people on BUS…
Don’t know if this makes any sense…. but still I don’t feel I deserve all the love and care I get… because I could be doing much better… I should be trying harder…much harder…
