I’m doing ok.. or let’s say….I’ve been a lot worse…..but I’ve been seeing my therapist a lot….4 times a week… I’ve been kind off avoiding the computer and a part of the reason for it is that for the last 2 weeks or so I get easily triggered to harm myself by so many things….I’m starting to learn what those things are I think….and I know I wont be triggered by them forever…
Because of this I’ve also been deleting a lot of bus mail…I’m sorry…but I’m thinking about you…just knowing now that I’m not alone helps.
I know this sounds a bit silly but sometimes when the memories get to real I just want to be able to crawl down in a deep dark hole where I don’t hear or see anything and turn off my brain…but that’s not possible…and that’s why I hurt myself….and for me it works…it changes the situation for a while. I know that in the society I live in this isn’t considered a very wise coping method but as long as I’m in control…as long as I don’t cut to deep or as long as my kids won’t see what their dad is doing to himself…I’m ok with it…but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to stop….
Although I’ve been SI’ing almost every day this week it doesn’t mean I always give in…I do my best to push the triggering thoughts away sometimes I’m able to and sometimes I’m not…. I’ve told Sunna how I feel about this and tried to explain why I do this but I don’t really expect her or anyone else to understand…I realize that all off this is very hard for :Sunna: and she wasn’t to thrilled about it at first but she and my therapist had a talk and I think that even though she doesn’t like the idea of my doing this to myself she accepts it…or at least she is trying too. She has been reading a lot about this kind of thing and I think that has helped her and made her closer to understand.. She want’s to help me get through this and has told me to tell her when or if I want to cut…..and if it happens in the middle of the night she wants me to wake her up. I told her that I’d do that if I felt like I was loosing control or wouldn’t be able to find a way to ease the urges…but I also told her that I couldn’t make her any promises and she knows that…
I’ve been writing and chatting a lot to a very special friend of mine…someone who I’m starting to think of as a mother or something… it’s the lady that runs the chat-rooms I where I host. I’ve tried to explain this to her but since the first time I told her about this she connected my SI to suicide….I told her that usually people connect SI and suicide…but that’s wrong…this doesn’t mean though that a person who SI can’t be suicidal as well…but those are two different things….I’ve sent her links to pages about SI but I don’t know if she has read them….I think she would rather hear about this all from me than reading about it …I don’t know….but she still feels that I’m about to commit suicide even tho I’ve told her I’m not…. I feel guilty for letting her worry about me that much because she has a lot of other things on her mind as well…. I know that there are a lot of people out there I’ve met on the net ( mostly people that I’ve met in the chat-room I host ) that I’ve comforted through their grief. They don’t know anything about my past and think of me as their savior ( That’s how people feel about all the hosts at GROWW not just me ) but when or if they see my webpages I sometimes get the feeling that they are disused my it or they say that if they were me they wouldn’t have survived through what I’ve been through… Well I’m still here because I feel that I deserve to stay alive…I don’t deserve to die that would be to good for me…even tho I can’t say for sure that when a person dies everything would get better….
Sorry this is starting to sound too negative so I’ll stop…
