First I want to thank everyone that send me hugs yesterday. I appreciate the hugs and support… It helped a lot… I realize I can’t change the way he thinks or how he is…I don’t even have to love/like him…. I didn’t cut then but last night I got triggered by a memory and feelings that have been bothering me a lot…. I’m sorry to be writhing this but I guess I have to let off some steam and maybe to find out if anyone else has had this experience….but this is a major spoiler so please read with caution.
I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks from my childhood…about my mother abusing me…. things that I’d blocked out…the really bad stuff….. One of these things is that she used to stand behind me while I was practicing and make little cuts on my back… I know this sounds awful and it hurt a lot at first but then I stopped feeling it…… this is also what happened when I was cutting before….For me SI is a bit like being addicted to drugs or alcohol…( I’ve done that too ) you start “small” and then you need more and more to get high/drunk….
I managed to stay SI free for 3 years but before I stopped I was starting to cut deeper and deeper and several cuts each time…. I haven’t thought about this for a while but I can’t deny this scares me…. but I really don’t want to stop…I don’t feel ready for that but I’m also scared of doing something too much…
