This is not necessary for anyone to read….I’m just feeling kind off alone. My wife and kids are gone to bed and my e-mail is down :(…I can’t receive mail through my GeoCities account and that means that I can’t read any bus mail…but I send mail through my ISP…..GeoCities are aware of the problem and say they are working on it so in the mean while all I can do is write. I don’t really know if this is a spoiler I don’t thinks so…. just ramblings about my visit to my t…. SI and panic mentioned… But I’m leaving space just in case…
I fall asleep last night whit the baby… but unfortunately I woke up at about 3 am with a panic attack and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke Sunna up but she fell asleep about 2 hours later because she had to go to work.
I mentioned in one of my earlier post that I was going to talk to my t about something that I hadn’t been able to tell her about. I chickened out then but I was prepared for that and gave her a few pages that I had written for her to read if I wasn’t able to talk to her face to face…
This morning I spent a lot of time thinking about my t appointment and got a bit upset…I didn’t really feel like going on the putter so I didn’t…..Usually I go on the putter if I feel urges coming on and write something like this to my cyber mom or to bus or I try to find someone to chat with…..I think the main reason for me not going on the putter was that I really really wanted to cut which I did ……..I didn’t want anyone to talk me out of it or get distracted from cutting… I just wanted to cut…
This is the first time I remember that I actually plan to cut myself….at least in so much detail…In the past I’ve kind of just done it….if you know what I mean…. I was totally calm on the way to my t when I’m usually panicking and shaking all the way to her office…. I was convinced that this was going to work… but when I stepped out of the car I had this overwhelming feeling that I was about to tell her things about myself that would make her discussed and that she would never want to see me again…..but I also knew that she had read what I gave her to read about this so I thought… maybe she will tell me to get out of her office…
I know this sounds irrational but that’s what I was thinking at this moment… Sunna made me go in…or she just kind off directed me inside so I did go to see my t… It took me sometime to relax from the panic attack…and all I could think about was going somewhere to SI…….I couldn’t talk about what I was going to talk about… I chickened out…I just froze and couldn’t do it…She asked me a few questions tho and I answered with as few words as I could and then we just talked about something else….
Now I want to just go to her and talk about it but I can’t because she’s out of town until Monday…
I just hope I will feel the same way as I do now the next time I see her and these damn panic attacks wont stand in my way…. I guess I have to because I told her that I would…. It’s not though because she wants me to talk about it…it’s rather that I think it might help me to understand a lot of things… about how I feel about my self…
This is something that happened and I think that might have started my problems… I don’t remember much about the first time it happened…just a few images that “flash” by…but I remember that days after and how I wanted to die or disappear… this was a few days before my 9th birthday…
I’ll quit now… I’m just rambling here… feeling alone and hating myself…
