I’m having urges and suicidal toughs…..I don’t want to SI right now and I honestly don’t want to kill myself….so I’m fighting…..everyone is asleep…I’t 4:20 here…so I just type and type… you don’t have to read this …and sorry if I send this…not sure if I’m going to…. No spoiler tho…I hope….just writing about my three most precious jewels…

Amber, is my 7 year old “teenaged” daughter….lol She is a character… Her body is 7 years old… she dresses and sometimes behaves like a teenager and sometimes she talks like a grown up. She likes to draw and we have her drawings all over the place in our apartment. She is very kind to everyone but that has gotten her into trouble at school…once two boys in her school were fighting and she walked right between them and got “crushed” in the middle…..she didn’t get hurt tho…maybe a few bruises…but she was very upset about it because and when ever there is a fight between her class mates the other kids tease her about it.

This bothered her at first but and there was a time she didn’t want to go to school but now when the summer holiday is ahead all she can think about is if she can go to a summer school… Amber doesn’t like to play with the girls in her class but she has a best friend Alena who is 11 years old…(she lives next door to us) Maybe they are such good friends because they have daddies in a similar situation *crazy ones* anyway I know they talk about us a lot…..maybe too much for Amber’s shake…I mean her being so young.

Emma… she is 3 years old and she is my spoiled little brat! 🙂 She kind of has my temper but points it “out side” instead of “inside” like I do….When she gets angry things fly around….but it usually doesn’t last for very long….. If she wants something she puts up a big smile that will melt anyone that sees it…

Emma has a talent for music 🙂 She started to ask me to teach her when she was about 2…I did teach her but never pushed her…just let her choose the time…if she asked….I tough her…… That interest faded a little bit but before my last birthday (then Emma was almost 3 ) Sunna’s brother, Chris taught her to play Happy Birthday and that was a big surprise when she played it for me 🙂 Now she is taking lessons…I decided it was best for the both of us that I wouldn’t teach her but if she needs any help I’m there…. There is one more thing I’d like to mention about Emma that is really cute….she loves Celene Dion…and “knows” all her songs. She puts her CD’s in the CD player and sings along on the top of her lounges…that is so cute!!…specially because the songs are all in English.

Then there is my baby…. Gabriel who will be 1 year old next month 🙂 He’s a very special little boy… I don’t know what it is but he always makes me feel good about myself and maybe that is the reason why I find it easier to fall asleep with him… In a strange way I feel this has got to with his date of birth and maybe his name….hope this doesn’t sound to silly to you tho…I don’t really how to explain it tho….. First of all he was born on his brother’s birthday, June 20th…. He was supposed to be born on the 17th ( I know the “due” date isn’t always the actual date of birth but that has been the case with Sunna tho ) Then there is the other thing…his name which is also my full name and the name of my older brother who died before I was born….

My parents didn’t talk about him much but about when my “problems” started I sort off made him my best friend…a bit like when kids have imaginary friends… I “talked” to him and “told” him everything….That was sort of my way to get through the day…or the night…and it gave me the strength to survive…. Now when I’m at my worst….when I’m about to give up…. my baby gives me that peace and will to go on.

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