I’m feeling a little paranoid tonight…. maybe it’s silly but I was reading the Host only message-board.. at the site that I host or try to when I’m feeling better and as I first started reading I kept thinking that I’d find something about me in there….This is a message board for the hosts to write about problems they run into with members etc….. there has been a lot of fake grievers coming in to the chat-rooms… In one of the messages the topic was rape and child abuse and it said that people who have been abused NEVER talk about it!!! I’ve talked a little about my abuse….mostly in pc tho… If someone asks me and tells me to talk….. I explode ….and I can’t stop…. I’ve been silence for so long and I don’t want to anymore….. Not so long ago there was a discussion bus about “survivor jargon” and Deb (sorry deb ) wrote that people have the intensity to get stuck…
Is it possible that I’m stuck and that I can’t go on with my life? Why can’t I be a part of the conversation that goes on in #GR? I was able to for a while but then I started having problems and I admit I told everyone what I was feeling… what was on my mind… I got sick of me… But I found people who were willing to love me and support me and listen to me and I admit I liked it in a way… and it made me feel like I was worth something…. Sunna tells me she loves me and so do my children….but somehow that’s not enough to keep me from hating my self… Judy ( the owner of the chat-rooms ) pointed it out to me one night in pc that I don’t talk about my loss… She’s right I don’t… I want to but thinking about it makes me feeling guilty… I can’t shake the feeling this was all my fault….starting with my baby sister Karen when I was 9, my mother and children and then my sister Maria…
I need to cut but I don’t even deserve that… I don’t deserve the relief it gives me… I don’t deserve to die either …I can’t think of anything bad enough…
I’m sorry I had a good list of positives that I shared with you ….I’m sorry I’m feeling like…
