Last Saturday was my wife’s birthday. I don’t know why I got this crazy idea about giving her a surprise birthday party…it just kind off came up in a conversation with one of her sisters about two weeks ago or so. I guess I was just doing so great then that I was sure I was going to make it through the party…..but I guess I should have known better…stupid me.

Luckily I really didn’t have to make many plans because Sunna’s sister kind off took over the planing….backing a cake….invite close relatives and friends….etc…..

Before I go any further with this I should mention that Sunna has 9 sisters and 4 brothers and they all have about a 1000 children :splat: Anyway… I was supposed to take Sunna to her parents house in time for the party (The party was held there) which I did…. but I wasn’t doing very well (actually I didn’t sleep at all the night before and had done a lot of Si’ing…but I put on my “acting happy mask” and tried to let her believe that I was ok.

On the way to the party I concentrated on not going into panic and I was able to relax enough…well after all everybody in Sunna’s family knows about my panic and forgive me if I act a little strange….. but they do not know about my SI…. or didn’t before the party….I made it through the first hour of the party pretty well…though I wanted to run away from this all and hide….

As I said I’d been doing a lot of Si the night before and I thought I had taken care of the cuts but somehow one of them “opened up” and it started bleeding….

I didn’t notice it until someone pointed out to me that there was blood on my jacket! Since I was doing a really great job of not panicking I replied with out thinking about it something like: ” oh shit….well I was feeling a little off last night so I cut myself….I do that sometimes to take the pain away ”

Everybody was like OMG! You did this? What were you thinking? When I heard them asking all these questions I realized what I ‘d said and I lost it or… I’d probably would have if Sunna hadn’t come and rescued me… She took me upstairs to the bathroom and fixed me up and I staid upstairs there until the party was over and had Sunna deal with her relatives questions…

I think she did a terrific job….she told me she had told everyone all she knew about SI and yesterday she even printed out a lot of stuff about it for anyone who wants….

I don’t really know how to feel about this yet…..I’m just embarrassed for letting it slip out like this in a room full of people….and I know I will get many questions about this later that is if they won’t be too scared of me from now on….

I know that at least one person asked Sunna if she and our children are safe or if I have ever done any harm to them… :-S

I know I’m not the best father or husband in the world but I love my children and wife…but this question freaked me out a little and makes me wonder if they really are safe…. I don’t always do a good job on controlling my thoughts…. or like when I do things with out knowing about it until later…usually when someone tells me about them or if I have unexplained cuts on my body….

Last week I’ve been seeing my p-doc a lot and he has told me that I might have DID (I think I mentioned that last week so sorry if I’m repeating myself) I’m not really sure what to think myself though…..maybe I don’t know that much about it to get me convinced or maybe I’m just denying the whole thing…. but I was wondering….I know there are people out there that have DID and I would like to ask if anyone has this experience that I have….I mean doing things that you don’t know about…like SI….or some other “strange” things…things that people wouldn’t “normally” do?

Sorry I’m having a hard time finding the right words here but I hope you get what I mean….

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