I know I promised you positives on Wednesday but I had to finish some GeoCities stuff and then I was just to tired I hope you understand but that was a really good day 🙂 well at least until I woke up in the middle of the night and made a really big mess…:(
I don’t really want to go into that much again…I wrote an e-mail to my mailing list about it this morning so I hope you forgive me for pasting it into this post… But I also want to show you something that is really cute… It’s a surprise from my little Emma and Chris… they sent it to me on Wednesday. This is a midi file with Emma playing a song by me that I wrote a long long long time ago …. There is a hilarious “moment” in the song she played…not quite “by the book” but as it said in the e-mail from Chris Emma said she was trying to play like daddy 🙂
But here is the bad stuff… I’m not going to read it over though before I post it but there might be something that I felt this morning that I’m not feeling now…
OK so here I go again… I SI’ed really bad the night before last and had to go to the ER… Chris, my brother-in-law was staying over and luckily he was awake and heard me out there in the living room… but he didn’t come out of his room until I had cut a pretty big vain on my thigh and made a lot of mess… While he was there trying to get my attention I cut more just right there in front of him…
What I’ve been thinking about since that night is maybe I was getting back at him somehow… about 4 years ago Chris, my sister Maria and I were in a really messy car accident. I was the one driving and I was the only one that didn’t get hurt…
Ever since the accident I’ve been having nightmares about it seeing Chris under the car in a really bad shape. Literally his body exploded… and believe me it was NOT something I wanted to see… your best/only friend like that…
I know that some of my feelings about the accident are “survivors guilt” but I also know that if I hadn’t been that stupid to be drinking that night none of this would have happened. Before we left home I promised my dad that I wouldn’t even tho all I could think of was getting a drink…. Chris and Maria were drinking too but they didn’t know that I was…I kept it from them….I was just out of rehab but while I was there all I could think of was to get another drink. I was just playing/acting and doing everything that people wanted me to do….
I’m pretty sure that I knew that Chris was awake when I SI’ed… like I wanted him to see me all slashed up…. I have talked about this a lot with Christian. He has told me that he doesn’t blame me for the way his life has turned out. He doesn’t blame me for taking Maria’s life. Maybe I’m a little upset how forgiving he has been in all of this… maybe I need him to tell me that it isn’t OK that I put him in a wheel-chair for the rest of his life. Maybe I want him to hate me… I don’t know…. Isn’t that bad?
I am terrified of that person I become when I have thoughts like this… I can’t shake the thought that maybe my mother was right when she said I was evil…. Maybe I’ve been like this all my life….. Mama said it was my fault my sister Karen died because I had thoughts about her dying before she was born… she died at birth.
