1. Sunna still loves me.
2. I will be home from the hospital next week and then I will be able to see my kids.
3. I am not depressed.
4. I’m alive
5. I made Janice smile
6. My aunt is still here
7. My father said he cared about me and I believe him
8. Christian is a great friend
9. Sunna and Christian had a very good time on their vacation
10. Sunna spoke to Janice and Alex on the phone
11. I found my way back to bus thanks to Sunna and Deb
12. My therapist and doctor are great and they care about me
13. I am still a Yahoo.Geo CL even though I’ve been away for more than 4 weeks.
14. I haven’t had this many positives for a long time.
And then the negatives.
This month is one of the most difficult months for both me and Sunna. It’s the anniversary month of our children’s death. On August 16th it will be 7 years since they died but it will also be 7 years of my mothers death ( and pardon me that is a relief sorry if that sounds bad ) Up until now I’ve felt the over whelming grief coming to me when this day approaches but now I just don’t feel anything. Maybe it’s because I’m still in hospital but maybe it is because I’m allowing my self to hate my mother.
No matter the reason I DO want to feel sad. I want to be able to grief my children and not having my mother taking that away from me. She took my childhood away and I can’t do anything about that but this I can change….
I just don’t know how….and that makes me feel even worse. I feel so weak and stupid for not being able to fight her. I keep telling myself that she is dead and she can’t get me now but she always does. She said once that she wanted to take my children away from me and that I didn’t deserve them. She succeeded in a way but she can’t take my memories about them away from me.