To day August 16th there are 7 years since my children Kim, Meg, David and Johnny died. It still seems like yesterday but yet so long ago.
For the past few days I’ve been thinking to myself that there are so many things that I should have done differently but is there a point to that? I wanted to forget about them…didn’t want to speak of them or hear others talk about them… I know now that this was the only way I knew how to deal with my loss….to become someone else.
Now I’m learning to grief… allowing my self to think how unfair all of this is… allowing myself to be sad and cry for them…to be angry at death for taking them away for me… and to remember the great moments I had with them… I am learning how to be able to think about just one of them at a time with out feeling that I’m somehow betraying the others… To me this grief…to allow one self to have all kinds off feelings and memories. This is my way of finding an inner peace. There is no right or wrong way to grief… but no one can KNOW how you feel except YOU…
But there is a part of me that still wants to forget…a part that still feels this is to painful to think about…. a part that feels he has to hurt me and remind me of something that I know I’m not…. a bad person…… I don’t want to give in to the urges….I’ve been SI free for almost 5 days now and if I start listening to the voices inside I’m sure I will give in..