Sill I’m apologizing that I haven’t replied to all of you that e-mailed me on my previous posts. I got so many hugs from you and though things didn’t go as I was hoping I know every one of you helped me 🙂

On Tuesday I cut pretty bad… My dad and Sunna were able to get me to the ER and the doctors there thought it would be for the best that I’d stay in hospital for a few days… Well I came back home this morning….

I don’t know if that stay at the hospital made any long term changes but I do feel better… but the seem to think I’m not suicidal (which I’m not… really).

I am going to try to write to my father. That way I can control myself better I think… I’m not very good at communicating face to face with other people so maybe writing is my only way. I did how ever ask my dad not to do anything about selling the farm until he has read what I’m going to write and he told me not to worry…. What ever that means….hmmmm?

I think that what triggered me on Tuesday was that my father made a comment about my mental state and he said that I was just like my mother….just that I am the “victim” on both cases… At the hospital I thought a lot about what he said and yes he’s right in a way…..

I know I’ve talked about this before but when I left home for school at 17 I was unable to go with out feeling pain so I started hurting my self. I used the same methods my mother used on me to “control my evil mind” as she called it…. I know that I AM NOT EVIL!!! I KNOW THAT NONE OF THE THINGS SHE SAID WAS MY FAULT. Why cant all my inside people believe that?? Another thing I experienced on Tuesday was that I completely relived an “event” from my childhood…. It was so real…. The surroundings, sound, smell…everything…. I don’t want to go into details but it was so scary….. I don’t want to remember like that… I don’t want to remember anything…..