Sorry if this gets complicated…I’m sort of not attached to myself…. Like I’m not here but yet I am…. I don’t know…it’s strange.

Well actually I was thinking about posting this only with the subject line and leave the rest blank but that is how I feel….just blank….. There is nothing…. IT’s almost starting to feel I don’t care anymore if I should live or die or SI or what ever but I know I’m wrong…..

I’m sorry….you people I talked with this morning and told I was ok…. well I really wasn’t…and in fact I haven’t been for a while… There have been a lot of stress going on here…. T being sick and my cyber mom Judy… and a lot of my online friends (not only on bus ) are having a hard time…. and on Nov 5 it will be my little David’s birthday…. He would have been 10. Last year November was the worst month for me…even August was easier……

I have cut about 6-7 times in the last two weeks…which isn’t a lot really….

A lot of bad memories are coming back to me now most of what I can not talk about…or rather I don’t want to talk about…. I’m kind of hoping that they are just bad dreams and not the real thing but unfortunately I have proofs…

It is now about a year since I started having these #$%& memories coming back to me…. and I don’t want any more of them…. First when I was starting to remember I saw a little boy being tortured for human kind. I didn’t connect him to me and I was angry towards that person… to do this to the child…..

I saw a child that was waken up after the “normal” 3 hours of sleep being hit on the stomach with the words ” wake up little shit you don’t deserve to sleep…Sleeping makes you evil so now you need to be punished.” Then the child is dragged out of bed and downstairs feeling cold, tired and scared of the punishment that is about to be brought up on the child’s body. The child tries to think about something else knowing the experience of previous punishments and for a moment it’s like the minds goes away. The punishment was fulfilled…it must have because there is blood and there is a little stinging sensation on the back. Someone is crying but it’s not the child and there is no one else it the room except the “bad person”. But the crying is so loud so it must be in the room.

The experience above is a part of my experience as I remember it today. I do know that they may not be accurate but I know that something like that happened. There are scars on the body that proof that the punishment took place. No one can actually fall on their back and have the word “diabolico” ( which means satanic or evil ) written on their back which scars.

Some SIers say they like their scars…. well I don’t like my scars…I hate them…. because most of my scars are a reminder of my child hood. Most of those that I do heal and are not as ugly as the other ones…