I’m not sure why I’m posting right now….. I should be doing something else other than being on the computer all the time… but oh well silly really …..or maybe it doesn’t.
My kids are starting to hate this computer I think… as I sit here all day and they keep trying to get my attention for something and I tell them that I’m almost done or something like that but really I’m never done… I’m addicted I guess….
I hardly read the mailing lists I’n on anymore… I’ve been getting mail from some of them more or less for a year maybe more and it has just become a big part of my mailbox….that is my world…. my computer is my world. Oh boy, does that sounds pathetic or like I’m addicted or what?? Maybe I am addicted. I hardly have a life outside the computer. I hardly speak to anyone… just a little to my wife and kids. Most of the things I want to say to my t I tell her in writing…maybe a little yes or no in the right places during a session.
I have been loosing a lot of time lately…. and I’m not sure what is going on but it scares me since the last time this happened I got into trouble that I haven’t been able to solve yet. I lost a lot of friends because of that. I have tired to tell my t how I feel but I feel she doesn’t listen. She lives in the real world and doesn’t know this “online friendship thing”.
Online I learned to trust people.. People that I have never met or seen.. I am agoraphobic so maybe I use this as my hiding place. I have littles that used to be able to go outside for me..go to my t..or even go outside just to play with my kids. They don’t do that easily anymore. I was doing ok right until last January… I was starting to get to know most of my alters and we were even communicating which was a big problem before.now it’s like I have no control and I keep switching all the time and I’m not sure why.. Well there are some “dates” that have been tough but it’s not like I’m going though them for the first time.
I know I need to work on all of this instead of hiding behind the computer screen… but I don’t know how… but if I do I don’t stay here I think will never really trust someone like that again… it’s silly really because I was the one who broke the trust of our friendship… either way I need to get this out of me… somehow…sometime…