This is a conversation I had yesterday with a friend of mine. This isn’t really me though… but it is someone inside… and I don’t agree to most of what he says but somehow after reading this it makes more sense now….but….
I guess I have just as many questions about this as you will have…..
ok, how’s this: I don’t always make such intelligent choices
Gab^and^co: LOL maybe …..and that goes for me too
Gab^and^co: ..and I am stupid…..and an idiot
SueJ: no no no. If I”m not, you’re not for sure!!!
Gab^and^co: yes I am….and that is final! You haven’t hurt other people for life….physically have you?
SueJ: oh Gabriel, the accident was just that, an accident. If Chris had been driving, would you want him to still feel so guilty?
SueJ: and if you stop talking now I am going to buy a plane ticket LOL
Gab^and^co: He wouldn’t have hurt anyone…
SueJ: I’m not joking, talk to me Gabriel.
Gab^and^co: I’m sorry I brought this up
SueJ: you don’t know that for sure. No one thinks something like that will happen, no one expects it to. It was an accident, nothing more.
SueJ: we can stop talking about it if you like. But my point is, it could have very easily been Chris driving and the same thing could have happened.
Gab^and^co: I thought about it before it happend and then it did… I thought about Karen dying and she did…and Maria and the kids …everyone….
want to know what I honestly think? and promise you won’t be mad at me ok?
Gab^and^co: ok I promise
SueJ: I think that if Chris is not blaming you that you need to stop blaming yourself. He has told me that it could have very easily been him driving that night. I think you are being too hard on yourself. And I think because you want to believe the worst about yourself, that you think you “saw” these things first before they happened. Dreams are just that, dreams. You didn’t make any of these bad things happen. YOU DIDN”T.
Gab^and^co: but why do I have them though and why do these things happen exactly as I see them before they happen
SueJ: Gabriel, you know that I know how devious and manipulative some alters can be.
Gab^and^co: I know that too but this isn’t them….. this is about me…
I try not to think about this much but when I do I cant help thinking that maybe my mom saw something that others didn’t see
SueJ: nope I don’t believe that is evenly remotely true!!!! I think the mean alters are using this guilt and your mothers words to lock you up like this. Just like I think mine are using my father’s words to do it to me. I feel terribly guilty alot of the time. Every time someone acts like they care about me I feel guilty becuase he told me no one would ever love or care for me. ANd if I dont’ do it on my own ,
SueJ: then I have John and Margaret always ready to remind me. ANd maybe I’m wrong, but I thin kyours do the same manipulating and twisting. To keep us paralyzed in fear and guilt.
Gab^and^co: I don’t want to belive that I have something to do with all off this sigh belive it’s just that there are so many things that I can’t ignor about this….
SueJ: like what?
Gab^and^co: like all the deaths…. injuries…suffering….
Gab^and^co: and that I sense them before they happen and there is nothing I can do to prevent it from happening….
SueJ: ok. if that’s true then maybe I am responsible for the death in my famliy too:
my Grandpa in 1992, my Grandma in 1994, my Great Aunt in 1996, My cousin in 1998, Aunt Caroline in 1999, Andy in 2000, my Mom in 2000.
Maybe I am evil and bad and causing these things too then.
SueJ: you are just very intuitive maybe. Before Aunt Caroline died, I had a terrible feeling that something bad was going to happen. But because Logan was so sick, I thought it was him.
And my father still maintains that this has all happened because we are bad and evil. NOw do I believe him?
SueJ: no you had better keep talking!!!!!! please
Gab^and^co: No you didn’t cause your lovedone’s deaths…and you weren’t responsible for your aunts death either… I know that
Gab^and^co: not like me
Gab^and^co: I wanted them to die
SueJ: well if you are responsible for yours, then maybe I am
Gab^and^co: I know that sounds terrible and I wish now that I hadn’t had those thoughts
SueJ: no you didn’t. ANd you will never convince me that you did. That’s the bad alters and your mother trying to keep you down and paralyzed by all of this.
SueJ: thoughts are just that, thoughts.
SueJ: If your mother was right about you, then my father was right about me. It’s that simple.
Gab^and^co: No I did….I didn’t want Karen to be born because she was a girl and I wnated my mother and the kids out of the way so I could just go and run away form everything….and I was jellous at Maria and Chris
SueJ: don’t make me tell CHris to come over and cluck you on the head LOL
SueJ: Gabriel you did not make anything bad happen!!!!!!!
Gab^and^co: That’s what you think….. I’m sorry….and we shouldn’t really be talking about this…. I shouldn’t be talking about this with you…..
SueJ: hmmmmmm why not?
Gab^and^co: because it’s not worth talking about….
SueJ: sure it is. what is important to you is important to me. ANd to be honest with you, I have those kinds of thoughts too. LIke I’m a jinx or seomthing. and I think it must be important for ust o talk about it this morning or you wouldn’t have brought it up right?
SueJ: (((((((((((((((((((((Gabriel))))))))))))))))))))) you know that I love you right?
Gab^and^co: This isn’t really importand to me….it’s just soemthing that I have to live with….
SueJ: nope you don’t have to live with guilt, be it false or real. we talked about this at therapy just yesterday 🙂
Gab^and^co: As long as I am carefull everything will be ok
Gab^and^co: what is done is done and I can’t take it back I know that…..
SueJ: but it doesn’t have to have a hold on you either, Gabriel.
Gab^and^co: I can’t forget it because then I will be careless and it will hapen again
SueJ: of course you won’t forget it ((((((((((((((((((((Gabriel)))))))))))))))))))
but it doesn’t have to control everything you do now either does it?
Gab^and^co: yes it does
Gab^and^co: Because I will have to becareful for something like this wont happen again
Gab^and^co: I have to control it
SueJ: can I ask you a hypothetical situation ?
SueJ: control what?
Gab^and^co: yes sure you can
Gab^and^co: the bad
Gab^and^co: the bad thoughts
SueJ: what if it were one of your children who had been driving? would you want them to feel this way?
Gab^and^co: No I wouldn’t…. but they weren’t and if they had been …..yes they would probably feel guilty about it but I know that they are not like me….they are not evil
SueJ: Gabriel, who tells you you are evil?
Gab^and^co: I do…. I was born that way
SueJ: nice try, who else tells you you are evil
Gab^and^co: my mother and the spirits inside
Gab^and^co: they know because they are older and they knew my brother
SueJ: your mother who abused and hurt you right? and what spirits? I know they have names.
SueJ: what does your brother have to do with this?
Gab^and^co: yes she did that because she had to ….and she was teaching me how to do it
SueJ: how to do what?
Gab^and^co: to hurt the body and control the evil
Gab^and^co: my brother was eveil too but he killed himself….
SueJ: what spirits inside say you are evil? what are those alters names?
Gab^and^co: They don’t have names
SueJ: you brother killed himself? but he was just a baby? explain that please
SueJ: your mother killed your brother is what you told me before
Gab^and^co: yes he jumped out of a window
Gab^and^co: he wasn’t strong enough so he gave me the curse
SueJ: what curse?
Gab^and^co: the evil
SueJ: who told you that he gave you the curse?
Gab^and^co: My mother and the spirits
SueJ: so let me get this right and if you get mad at me, okay but remember I love you please.
Your mother pushed your 3 year old brother out the window and then told you he was evil and that because he was too weak to take her abuse the evil went into you. Then your mother taught you have to punish the evil and control the bad in you?
SueJ: and now your mother and these spirits are telling you that all these horrible accidents are your fault? becaues you are evil?
Gab^and^co: No she didn’t push him he jumped
SueJ: that’s her talking you and I talked about this before. 3 year olds don’t kill themselves. I work with preschoolers I know that.
Gab^and^co: no they are not telling me that I know they are myfault because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do
Gab^and^co: but you don’t work with this kind of children…. we never really were children
SueJ: and who says you didn’t do what you were supposed to do? and what exactly were you supposed to do?
SueJ: yeah because your mother stole your childhood just like the father did from us
Gab^and^co: I didn’t follow the rules
Gab^and^co: She didn’t steal anything from me
SueJ: what rules. I need to know these rules. Mabye we should be following them too.
Gab^and^co: no those rules are only for me now
SueJ: and just so you remember, I work with abused, neglected children. Drug addicted babies and children.
Gab^and^co: and when I die someone else will be born and he will get them
SueJ: sure she did. you didnt’ have a chance to be a child
SueJ: you would wnat someone else to go through what you are going through?
Gab^and^co: I am sorry if I am upsetting you I didn’t mean to do that
Gab^and^co: no I wouldn’t want that …that is why I am still here
SueJ: you’re not upsetting me, I am just trying to understand
SueJ: is this Gabriel?
Gab^and^co: yes this is Gabriel
SueJ: so basically what you are telling me is you “inherited” this evil from your brother, your mother perfected it in you and now you are stuck until you die?
SueJ: ok just checking 🙂
Gab^and^co: she helped me…..yes
SueJ: she helped you what?????????
SueJ: she told you you inherited this “evil” right?
Gab^and^co: to live with the bad…with the evil and she thought me how to control it
Gab^and^co: yes she did
Gab^and^co: I also knew that before she told me
SueJ: Gabriel, you know I love you, all of you, right?
SueJ: yoo hoo ???? are you still here
Gab^and^co: yes I am still here
SueJ: if your mother were alive I would choke her myself. NO ONE IS BORN EVIL. And you are not evil. If you were, you wouldn’t feel guilty about all the things that have happened.
SueJ: and what she did to you and the bad alters that came to continue her evil is what is continuing to hold you hostage.
Gab^and^co: ((((((((((((((((((((((Sue))))))))))))))))))) I’m so sorry !!!!!!
Gab^and^co: you didn’t need that
SueJ: please plese please don’t be sorry
SueJ: really, I”m ok ((((((((((((((((((((Gabriel))))))))))))))))
SueJ: who was that?
Gab^and^co: I need to read this….
Gab^and^co: I don’t know
Gab^and^co: but I have a terrible head ache
SueJ: I’m sorry ahead of time if anything I said makes you mad ok?
Gab^and^co: ok Chris says I shouldn’t read it now….and so I won’t
SueJ: I think Chris might be right. And there will be no hiding from me tomorrow over this promise????
Gab^and^co: I promise….
SueJ: hmmmmm why the hug?
Gab^and^co: just because
SueJ: ok or I will have Chris smack you one
Gab^and^co: I’m sorry I put you through this (((((((((((((((((((((Sue))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You did not put me through anything!!! You are my best friend 🙂 and I love you very much.
I do however, after rereading this, still feel that the bad alters and the “programming” from your mother are conspiring to control and keep you “locked up” in the fear.
YOU ARE NOT EVIL and you have never been evil!!! Evil people don’t care about how what they do effects anyone else. You care very much and sometimes at your own expense.
And, the bottom line is, you are one of the most caring, compassionate people I know. Yeah, you make bad choices sometimes (just like the rest of the universe does) but that doesn’t make you a bad or evil person.
Most of all, though, I am very very sorry that you had to go through all of this.
And, I’m glad you didn’t hide. I would have hated to have Chris smack you LOL though he might have enjoyed it! 🙂
love you (((((((((((((((((((((((((Gabriel)))))))))))))))))))))))))))