As I always do, three times a week, I went to therapy yesterday. I don’t know what it is… maybe the fact that it seems that I can’t get angry at anyone (except maybe myself) that brought on what happened afterwards….

In therapy we talked about my father and what he said to me last weekend. We also talked about something that I/we remembered….something that I can not talk about here…not yet anyway….

*TRIGGER WARNING***
talk about self-injury – graphical

On Saturday I was very close to delete not only this site but also myself from the world…. I haven’t being hiding the fact that I cut myself…. This is what my mother did to me… what she taught me to do and yes it helps me cope in some twisted kind of way…
I was very angry….not to my father…even though I know perfectly well that he was the one that I should probably have been angry at…but I was angry to myself… I was angry because I felt so helpless…because I feel scared all the time…. because I am a burden to my family and they are ashamed of me…

So I wanted to destroy this evil unwanted person…. and I probably would have but my wife woke up just in time…. At the ER I am famous…. They know I am the “crazy guy”… After taking care of my injuries and waking up my therapist and talking with her about weather or not I should be hospitalized… they sent me home…. and then I did it again…. but this time only for the pain….

From the first I have 53 stitches in two cuts and two broken ribs and from the second episode I have 31 stitches and 4 broken ribs….and I also did the first cut/braking again…sort off….

This was last Saturday…. Yesterday afternoon it happened again…. If this happens again I am going to hospital….no matter what I say afterwards….