Why does a young person who has been through enough in his life already have to get sick of cancer?
I don’t plan on answering or even trying to answer those questions here…. I don’t think there is an answer…. except… “it just happens”.
Here I am wondering if my mother was right when she said I was evil, that I was the one that make people sick, or make people die. I know that it is totally irrational for me to think like that… I am not some evil “super human” that puts spells on people. Could it be unintentional? No I don’t really think so…. though I know sometimes I believe that. Even though I say now that I don’t believe that I have that “power” I have to fight myself so I won’t go down that path….the path of blame. I hear loud voices inside my head screaming at me… they tell me this is my fault….they tell me I need to be punished….. I try to close the “gate” between the “front world” and the “dark world”… but I can still hear them screaming at me.
Maybe this is the result of my drug abuse in the past, delusions, hallucinations…. Maybe it is just related to my past….or both….
I decided, rather than give in to the voices, I should try to write something… about what is going on inside of me… Since I started writing this entry I have had like 9 cigs and my wrist is red and hurting from the rubber band I have around it. I guess that tells you a lot and I guess I’m not doing such a good job with writing something here.
Right now I need all of this to go away for a while…at least until Chris is better. I need to be able to go outside…go to the hospital and let him know how much I care about him. I need to be able to comfort Sue, the love in Chris’s life…. I need to be strong for his family…who have always been there for me….
No matter how I try I still hear “them” screaming… I hear her calling me names… I try to scream back at them but my scream is silent…