I haven’t been posting much and I am sorry for worrying people… I am not doing well… I feel so alone and abandoned…. I am now living at a home for mentally ill.. If it makes any sense (it doesn’t to me at the moment) this is not really a normal home/institution. This is supposed to be one of the best care someone like me can have…. But I don’t like it…. why? Because I can not SI? yeah well I know it sounds crazy but that’s one of the reason… and even though I was able to “be bad” this morning it was just a little bit and it didn’t last very long… I also wish I could be at home with my children and my wife…. feel their hugs…

I know that I am probably feeling like this because of all the changes surrounding this…and you are probably thinking that it will get better…. but I am afraid of the future… mostly for one thing… Can I go on living after Chris is gone? He is the first person that was ever nice to me… He never said I was strange or stupid or crazy those 15 or 16 years I have known him… I ruined his life…his future wife’s life because of my addition to drugs and alcohol and even though he had to be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, he forgave me…. I told him that I loved him…not the “normal” friend kind of love but the other kind… I was able to tell him how I really felt but now he is in a coma and I will probably never see him again…. It is going to happen soon….

I want to be able to be strong for him…. I know he would want that….but yet I have this overwhelming guilt eating me from the inside and I can’t help thinking that if I hadn’t got drunk that night in January in 95 he would not be in this mess…. he and Maria would be living together and they would have beautiful children running around all over the place.