Nothing seems right anymore… no matter how I try I seem to fall flat on my face again… I am so very very tired of all this. I don’t want to worry my friends or my family. But this is all I know …and all that I can do.. I know that what I am doing to myself is very irrational. The punishment, the pain and all that is wrong… BUT for me it is the only way for me to deal with things… I’ve tried all the other stuff… tried to distract myself… used elastic band, ice, go for a walk, talk to a friend, but it doesn’t matter…. I still SI… and sometimes I don’t wait until I get home from a walk.

I also know that in the last few weeks I have developed a fascination of a person (a famous rock star) that I would never allow my children to have anything to do with… This person was a “public” SIer and as crazy and stupid as that sounds I actually copied him… I have never done anything like that before…that is to copy what other people have done at least not intentionally but I planed this a while before I actually did it… However even though this was really bad this was not the worst that I have done but now when I am no longer living at home with my family…my methods have become more “sneaky” as in I do everything I can to SI but since I am now staying at a home specially for “difficult” mentally ill/crazy people I plan it a while before I SI to try to keep it away from the home’s staff.

I know that is totally wrong of me…I know I am in here for a reason but yet I can’t seem to go on with out it… I have been through alcohol and drug rehab but I tell you this is a LOT worse…