Is it all worth it? I feel like I am wasting my time with everything I do these days….I am supposed to be in therapy of some sort here and yes I am…but nothing seem to matter to me anymore…They keep changing my diagnosis and I am getting really confused about it… One day they say they want to change my meds and the next day they say not change them… Honestly I don’t think they know what they are going to do with me….
I am still obsessing about SI…and it is getting to a point where I am scaring myself… I have been here for about a month and even though I’m supposed to be “guarded” here I have had to get stitches thee times… Now my wife wants them to put a camera up in my room so they can watch me all the time and I do not like that idea very much…. though I do understand her point…after all I am supposed to be here for my safety…
However all I think about are ways to hurt myself and since I don’t have any “proper” tools I find myself thinking like… “Can I use this to SI?” Every where I go about everything I see around here… I am totally obsessed about it…I find myself going online for the only reason to look for triggers so that I will feel pain…I know it sounds crazy…but that is my way of getting ideas to SI…it’s like when I trigger myself like that I know what to do to get the physical pain… yeah I know I really need to find another “hobby”…. more creative things to do… but what?
I don’t read much…mostly because it takes me quite awhile to read just one page of a book but I do write a lot (in my own language), even it takes me hours just to write a few lines sometimes. I love to play the piano which is one of the things that I am sure that has kept me from destruction many times…. I used to spend many hours a day 7 to 8 hours playing everyday… There is a piano here but I haven’t worked up the courage to use it yet and I don’t think I am ready for that….
I know that there are people out there that think that I am a very strong person but I really am not. I don’t consider it strong to be addicted to pain…. I don’t consider it strong to cry yourself to sleep every night…. I don’t consider it strong to be to scared to go outside..Even into the yard behind the house…
Sometimes I think that I am only here (alive) for other people and not for me…. that I am running on some “not disappoint other people fuel”…. In a way that is how my whole life has been…specially childhood… When someone said jump I jumped… even playing the piano…. there are moments that I have been playing the piano only because other people wanted me to, writing because I was told to write…. That for me is not the same as if I would stand up right now and walk to my piano and play it…. just because I wanted too…. Since I was very young (too young) I was only playing because other people wanted me to… They wanted to see that “cute” little kid whose feet didn’t reach the floor… They didn’t ask if I’d liked being in the spotlight….
Gabriel, this may sound stupid, but have you ever considered taking up running? I know your troubles stem from things deeper than I could even imagine, but distance running has been such a Godsend for me, therapy-wise, emotionally, it’s how I cope with things without resorting to the more sinister things out there. Hugs, Gabriel.
(((((((((((((((((((((((Gab))))))))))))))))))) we love you