Someone threw this question at me in group therapy last week and it’s been on my mind ever since…. I thought to myself…if I was happy being sad then I wouldn’t be here trying to work things out…. If I was happy being sad would I feel so guilty after hurting myself as I normally do? But then I thought… am I really here to work things out? Since I have been here in this place (the loony home) I have done nothing right… This place was supposed to keep me from hurting myself but it has had the opposite affect… not that they allow me to hurt myself but because I am a lot sneakier about it… They try to take away objects that I can use but I always come up with something new… I know very well that this is wrong of me….I know that I should not hurt myself but yet I do… I know that I have to eat or I will end up in a hospital bed on IV or something worse… but yet I can’t… It’s like this…. I know what I need to do to have a “better” life but I don’t see it through…

I know that I will end up in a hospital sometime soon… I don’t really care about that anymore… Right now I want to give up on everything…. I want to stop fighting… I want the voices in my head to quiet down and there are only two ways I can think of to do that…. either accept that I am happy being sad or leave this life…. I want the easier way…..

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