I can’t seem to be able to keep away from this log… well I tried but here I am again….

First of all I want to thank everyone who responded to my “Why do you come” post.

I am NOT doing well. I don’t think there is any hope left for me… I want to try harder or at least that is what I think I want… but for the last week or so I feel that can’t fight anymore…. I am so tired and I feel like I have tried everything only to get disappointed in myself again and again. As you probably know I made an attempt to commit suicide last Friday… like before I don’t want to go into any details….obviously I didn’t succeed but I did some damage to myself that maybe permanent. I will have to have surgery next week and then I’ll know more….

In the past I have had a big problem with shutting down and instead of talking to someone about what I am feeling or thinking I tiptoe around it or just try to avoid the subject and direct the discussion at something else than me. I know that sometimes it seem like that I am an open person and that I’m not afraid to tell people about my feelings or thoughts or what ever… but to me it at least most of the time it doesn’t feel like that…. I guess that my tiptoeing is now getting the better of me… Although this has been a problem for me most of my life (if not all) there are certain things/ events that have been going on in my life lately that probably have something to do with how I have been… though it may have started sooner than that….

Before I started being so much on the internet I was almost a “normal” person… I had my job as a music teacher… I wasn’t afraid to go outside and hardly did any SI…. I was in therapy once a month the most ( I probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t ordered by the court because of my previous drug and alcohol problems)….

I am not sure if I can blame my use of the internet for how I am now…. I always believed that I was never abused in anyway…that the life I had was just normal for me….because I was different… When my mother carved scriptures in my back in my eyes it wasn’t abuse…it was a “safety measure”…

I know this is a part of what I was brainwashed with as a child and young adult but I feel like everyone I get close to either die or run away….and even without knowing it myself I try to make people not liking me.