Well here I am again, making another attempt to start writing after my Different Worlds The first week of that brake was pretty normal (for me anyway). Then my sister and my aunt came here from Italy for a vacation.
They decided to take me with them to my dads. I never actually agreed…not that it is their fault that anything happened there though…as I didn’t say that I didn’t want to go there either… To those of you who don’t know my father still lives where I grew up and where most if not all of the bad things took place… the abuse and where my children died…so I guess you can see that this place is not my idea of a great vacation…

I put on a happy face…witch in a weird kind of way wasn’t all 100% fake because Angela, my sister, my aunt and Sunna, my wife, and the kids were there…so I tried as hard as I could to concentrate on being able to spend some time with them…

It had been a while since I’ve gone there, especially this time of the year and really I had forgotten, or maybe I’d never even noticed how beautiful the valley really is….and when we stopped the car out there on the main road and look up the driveway to the house, the woods (very small though) and the mountains, you can hardly imagine all the horrible things that went on there… It made me start doubt myself… For a while I started thinking that may I was indeed imagining the whole thing… But it isn’t all about the recent memories. It’s also about memories that I have remembered from the day they took place. The emotional abuse, being a sexual slave to my mother ….and the worst of it all…the loss of my children. Sunna was there too, though she didn’t know my mother as I did….we had a life together there…that life with Sunna was my safe place…To me it was much more than the love between two people… Back then she didn’t know that because I “couldn’t” tell her about what went on when I went over to my parents house…

The last two years we lived there, I was drinking heavily… I used every “excuse” in the book to have a drink… The “double” life was playing was making me anxious and “up-tight” all the time…I felt I was loosing “control” …which I guess I never really had… The alcohol along with the meds I got from my doctor….seemed to be the solution for me…it helped me relax… …but only for a while… As I was drinking almost everyday, obviously my drinking became a problem in our relation ship… I was hurting my wife and children…

I stopped drinking in May 1992… Then in August, that year my wife and I said goodbye to four of our oldest and headed of to the city to attend a fiftieth birthday party of a dear friend…

I didn’t go back home until almost 2 and a half years later… Instead of going through the grief of loosing the children with my wife… We left her for the alcohol…. I didn’t know how to cope with the loss and I felt I couldn’t and shouldn’t be with Sunna after this….

I said “we” left…. I have written about my diagnosis as having DID faqs. I remember debating what to do in my head… having a meeting… The news of the children dying were horrible but…. The mother didn’t exist anymore…the news of her death were louder…. Something happened that night…we felt we were free and that we could do what ever we wanted too… we were scared but also relieved….

I don’t know what it was that made me want to go back home but somehow I got there. I agreed to go into rehab but I went there only because my father wanted me to. When I got out I was Mr. nice guy to them but all I could think of was going somewhere and get loaded again. which I did…..
Additional reading: Home Again….The Evil Strikes Again

Until this summer, or a couple of weeks ago, I had no memories of hiding bottles of alcohol and drugs in my childhood secret places…. The rest of that story… Well there isn’t much to tell… I have no excuses.. nothing to hide behind… I left the house…to “be by my self”…made a promise to be careful… waking up in a hospital being pumped for an excessive amount of alcohol, and all kinds of prescription and illegal drugs… and when you are already taking MAOis it is not a very bright idea to have a drink along with it…..

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