ok I can’t stay away for long *sigh*
Actually those 3 previous entries were posted in an unlinked secret (not so anymore though) copy of Greymatter elsewhere on my site so really I never took a brake from posting… just a brake from being visible…
You may not know this, but even though it may seem easy for me to reveal my life like this to a complete stranger, it is a major thing for me… I write about things here that I have never talked about with another person in a face to face conversation… not even with my therapist… (who has to read about it here like the rest of you btw).
I may not completely know the reason why I started this or even if I ever had a reason. I do know though that most of my life I have not been able to tell anyone anything about my life and in fact a few years ago I didn’t know what I know now….and I was 100% sure that I would NEVER be able to tell the little I *did* know then…
Sometimes I doubt everything that I am… and I get the much so familiar feeling of the past that I am not and never will be worthy of anyone’s attention…. least of all to those people that come here and provide me with the support and unconditional love that I’ve felt through the Internet, this weblog included…
A part of this doubt is that sometimes I feel like I am only doing this to make people feel sorry for me… or I fear that people that come here will think that I am only doing this for the attention…
YES in a way I am… in a way I am doing this for the attention… However I am not (at least not on purpose) doing it so that people will notice *me* as an individual…it’s more that I want people to be aware that sexual, physical and emotional abuse is a serious problem in the world, weather it is a child or an adult that is abused, and can (or will) have major affects on those who go through it… I want people to know that multiplicity *does* exist…. and that it is *not* something that is “made up” by mental health professionals… and I want people to be aware of that there are people that struggle with self injury…. Not all of them are teen-aged females… and not all of them are abuse survivors.. and that self injury or self mutilation is *not* a suicide attempt but that is what many people think when I post about me injuring myself….
I am pretty sure that those are not the only reasons why I’m doing it… all I know that I can’t stay away for too long *grin* …but anyway does it say anywhere that you *have to* have a reason to have a web site like this one??
it all makes sense to me gabe. all of it. xo.
Well said, and Welcome back!! Love you.
What can I say Gabriel? There’s a lot I have to understand about many issues you deal with and I think we all should educate ourselves.
I just hope you will feel better soon.
I may not fully understand everything you are going through, but I’m still here checking on you everyday, hoping for some word on how you are doing, and I’m always glad to see when you have posted something. Personally I don’t think it matters why you continue to post, only that you know we will be here when you do.
hi, gabriel – i just found your site through a link on chris’s site. life is so very sad sometimes, isn’t it? but the love of good friends keeps us going. i see that you have good friends and i’m glad for that. you are brave to share your life with us, and help us understand.
i would like to link to your blog on my site, but only with your permission. let me know if that’s ok with you.
wishing you a warm and cozy thanksgiving…