Back from our Christmas vacation… Yet another new year has arrived… I am thankful for still being here…
We had the greatest time over the holidays….the best we’ve had in a long time… We did have “our moments” but that’s ok… we will continue to have those “moments” and even tho they might be scary at the time they are actually happening they are only here for us to learn to become the people we want to become…
I don’t do any New Year resolutions mostly because I usually don’t keep them… but I think this is going to be a good year… Why?
This is why……
1. My Children:
Gabriel: At first impression….he seems like an active 3 year old… but he performs in silence… he runs in circles around you… in “stealth mode” and you have to be careful not to step on him when you move around… He does have is slower moments…. then he prefers to sit in his high chair in the kitchen creating incredible artworks that only can be made by 3 year olds… or he “reads” an adventurous story about heroism that is impossible for anyone to understand but him and maybe other 3 year old boys… His favorite is thought when someone is willing to allow him to sit on ones lap and in read him a story… but an open discussion about the pictures and story is a must!
Emma: A very much “alive” little lady… She reminds me of someone else but the only difference is that she will be allowed to be alife and she is loved… As the “previously mentioned someone” she has a talent and in fact the only time she can let herself sit still (well the other time is when she is asleep) is when she is playing the piano… It is better though if she knows someone is listening and believe me she sure *knows* how to make a person listen to her…. and yes… not only to her music 🙂
Amber: She looks at me with here big innocent eyes as I arrive at here grandparents house. She waits silently for her sister and brother to finish off their welcome hugs and sloppy kisses for Angela and me…. When they are done she walks slowly towards me… takes my had and whispers: ” Daddy, don’t be scared… we will all take good care of you”. and I realize… we all realize that we will be safe this holiday season…
2. My wife:
I know there have been posts about Sunna and me getting a divorce… This was talked about and even decided…. but never finalized.
I did hurt her in away at one point… We had a chance to talk about that… we talked about a lot of things, we talked about our children, multiplicity, her depression, my hardheadedness, Chris and our feelings… we need to talk more…. but we both know that we still love each other… maybe more than we realize….
Sunna… There are no known words that can explain the way I feel about you. They have probably heard it all before but one ore time can’t hurt…. From the moment I first saw you I’ve been in love with you. I just was to shy to admit it. You can not believe how often I was at your mother’s place just to see you even I was officially visiting your brother. Finally I got myself together and asked you out. I was so afraid of you saying no….. But to my surprise you made me the happiest man on earth by wanting to go out with me. For few months we spent all our free moments together. But there was something missing. I wanted more. I felt I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life and for you to have my children. I was scared… but I found out that all I had to do was ask….
My dream came through on June 1st 1986 when you became my wife. And later you gave birth to, not just one, but two beautiful little girls and there where more children to come. You have given me so much. We have been through more than most people have and maybe will in one lifetime… The memories of Kim, Megan, David, Johnny and Maria Carolyn will always stay in our hearts. When they went to heaven I truly believed my life was over and I believed you didn’t want me anymore. I don’t know why I came to you again or why you took me back, but I want to believe it were our angels in heaven helping us. I, like the next guy can not define the love I have for you…. it is one of those many feelings that one person can have that one just have to either act on or keep locked up inside…. I am done with locking up feelings…. so loving you is all I can do…
Sometimes I feel that I don’t deserve your attention or you love….your care…. or you friendship… I know that is my past speaking… and I truly am thankful for each and everyone of you… and for being able to call you my friend. I may not fully realize how much you have done for me, some for years, some for only a few weeks….and some of you don’t even know that I consider you to be “a friend”…. I am one of those people who have a very hard time telling others that I like them or care about them… and for many of you… though I hope someday that will change… I have never even come close to tell most of you how much you mean to me… A group hug will have to do for now though 🙂 please accept it as you read this…. 🙂
4. The future
I see my future getting brighter this year…. I know that “we” have a lot of issues/things that we need to work on….but it will be worked through as *we* and not as *I*… Each of us have things to work on of their own though… things that no one can work though for us… In the beginning of a new year…. the year of 2002… I hope that all of us here in this crew will continue to work towards us getting out of this place… and being able to have more time with Amber, Emma, Gabriel and Sunna…. You are my future…my life… my everything….
5. The past
Yes this is one that I am thankful for having…It has made us what we are today and I am not ashamed of me… I am proud to be alive…. I am proud to be a part of a multiple system…. I am proud of my music…. I admit though there are things that I wish that were different…things that I may always wonder in that way about… but I also know there isn’t anything I can do to change anything in my past…
Saying that… I know that doesn’t prevent any of us from having a “trip” back to the past in forms of regrets, flashbacks etc…. Painful memories will still be sticking their ugly heads into our lives….but together we are stronger than in the past… those memories are a part of what we were….they are a part of what we are and they are a part of what we will be in the future….
Happy 2002 everyone…..