I can’t seem to find any peace… although I am surprised that I was able to hold on to the good days I had over the holidays….but after some sunshine it always rains…. and for me when it rains it usually pours…

This time it’s different…. it is different because this time it’s like a fog… you see it coming slowly….and you really don’t think about it but feel it is just a normal thing and you go about your business…. you look down for a minute or two and wham! The next time you look up it is covering your view and you can’t see anything.

I haven’t talked about the problem I have with eating…but I guess it’s about time for me to accept the fact that it is really turning into a bigger problem than I planed it would.

Note: This entry contains graphical descriptions of physical abuse…

I use write most of this in 1st person plural because this story is put together by many of us.

This illness has been with us for a while and started out to be one of mother’s way torture us. The mother used to tell us that we were fat, I know we weren’t. I know this was only her way of torturing us. She went on about we were growing to fast…. that we ate to much… which was hardly anything at all and most of what we did get was when we took it from the kitchen but were then forced to throw up when she found out… or when Angela was able to get us something. I don’t know if mother knew about that but I don’t remember having to throw up any of Angela’s food…
We were about 6 year old…. Then we had special days of the week that we were actually voluntarily given to eat and those were Sundays… There was however a catch. If we did everything she asked us to do during the rest of the week no matter what it was and without resistance we got food… We got to eat until we couldn’t eat anymore… After those Sunday dinners it was up to her moods weather we would actually be able to keep all that food inside our body or not. On Sunday nights, like any other night of the week, she made us sit in front of the piano and play. But Sunday nights were a little bit different. We weren’t allowed to have our shirt on. Her motives were simple…. “If you miss a note or play something wrong you will get a cut.” and if we made it to more than 20 cuts then I would have to “return” the food by throwing it up. Thankfully those “cuts” were not deep, but just enough to brake the skin and bleed a little. The “tools” she used where either a small knife, sort of like those little steak knifes you can use to cut the meet on your plate or a needle or safety pins.

The reasons mother gave us for not letting us eat during the week were many… one day it was that she felt we were to fat another day she said we were growing to fast or we didn’t “work” for it…

At 17 when we went to school she had taught us “how to survive” without her… We were not to eat unless it was Sunday. If we were put in a situation where we were invited for lunch or dinner though, we would have to make sure not to make it obvious that we weren’t eating. We couldn’t risk that someone would find out about our eating habits. But we were to make sure that after we got home or somewhere were it was absolutely certain that no one could see or hear us we had to force ourselves to throw up… and to make sure we got it all…

The present time: We are still struggling with food… but it is getting to a point where we don’t have to force the throwing up… Now as we are working very hard to get a better life for ourselves, away from mother’s abuse…. Now we can’t keep the food down even if we want to…it is like that automatically after we eat the food finds it way up again… We try to take the mind of the food…listen to music, read, write, talk to a friend….but nothing seem to work…

We haven’t been able to keep any food down for a while now….yes this “while” includes the time over the holidays. The longest we were able to keep food down was 4 hours though mostly it is one or maybe two… Then yesterday afternoon our body couldn’t take it anymore and it collapsed to the floor… That gave us a big scare and as much as we tried today’s lunch and dinner wouldn’t stay…