I remember when I was starting out on making a website of my own… It wasn’t really a website…it was more of a page than a whole site… Sunna had already made a few pages…about us, the kids… “Hi my name is.., these are my kids and here is a page for my cat” ….you know those pages that so many people make as their first website…
well anyway this was in 1998, in September (I think)… I wrote a little bit about myself… about my music… about the music school I went to …and the only school I have ever been to in my life (as a student that is). I also wrote about the fire and the loss of the kids and how that affected Sunna and me…but the hardest part of all of it… I wrote about the accident where I almost killed Chris and Maria in my own stupidity of driving under the influence of alcohol… My biggest concern was that all of those people (especially those who had lost someone because of drunk driving) who Sunna and I had been supporting in their grief would turn against me or something. Nobody did though…none that I know of anyway but rather people congratulated me for my courage of writing about it and putting it up on the internet… but still i struggled with myself thinking that I shouldn’t have put this up for everyone to read… this was a part of my past that I was ashamed off and I didn’t really want anyone to know about… I that that I somehow hid behind the fact that I had even more shameful parts from my past that I was 100% sure that I would never ever talk or write about in my life… and at that time my wife still thought she had had the perfect mother in-law and that her son was just a bit over anxious about certain things…
Well I did write more… first I only did it for myself and kept my writings pass worded and put it on a floppy disc so I could take it with me to work… This was before we got a CD writer so soon the file became too big to be put on a floppy disk and in a way I became more “careless” and I just left it on the computer tho I hid it between files that I was doing for work… Then I started having problems at work… I thought that my writings could probably be the cause for that so I stopped writing… I had opened a can of worms that were buried somewhere deep inside and I couldn’t catch them again…
I knew there were people who had been through similar things that I had been through so I went looking on the Internet… I found a few groups… tho most of the members there were females and I didn’t really feel at home there…or able to talk about my problems with them… so I was mostly in the role of a supporter… I guess I’ve always been more in that role than getting support for myself other than this good feeling you get when someone sends you an e-mail or a message through an instant messengers just to thank you for helping out…
It doesn’t really take much…. like…. a few days ago… someone messaged me at random….:
xxxxx (02:58:33 PM): what have you been up to
crewinme (03:00:17 PM): sigh… defending myself and my website mostly
xxxxx (02:59:32 PM): Did your little ones enjoy easter
crewinme (03:00:36 PM): The last few days have been really weird here
xxxxx (02:59:53 PM): Why whats happening with your website
crewinme (03:00:40 PM): yes easter was good
crewinme (03:01:54 PM): oh someone posted about my website… some really bad things….
crewinme (03:03:11 PM): The worst thing is that those people clame they “know” stuff that they really don’t know anything about…. such as DID/MPD
xxxxx (03:02:31 PM): Yes I saw it Do you know why
crewinme (03:04:31 PM): no I don’t know why they are doing this and I’m not the first …nor will I be the last webiste owner they attack like that
xxxxx (03:04:47 PM): I’m so sorry, its a pity they haven’t any thing better to do
crewinme (03:05:49 PM): yes it is….
xxxxx (03:05:11 PM): I thought your website was pretty good
crewinme (03:06:03 PM): they should be studdying harder I think
xxxxx (03:05:28 PM): Thats right
crewinme (03:06:16 PM): thanks
xxxxx (03:05:55 PM): Did it take you long to do the site
crewinme (03:07:51 PM): I’ve been online since February/March 1998 and had my first site ( a part of this site) in March/April 1998
xxxxx (03:07:52 PM): I’m sure it has helped alot of people out there
crewinme (03:09:49 PM): yeah but it has helped me too…
crewinme (03:10:55 PM): I don’t feel that I have to “hide” there if that makes sense well untill now
xxxxx (03:10:49 PM): Thats good, it is so hard for us to be able to trust anyone, wondering what they will think, we can just be ourselves with each other
xxxxx (03:11:34 PM): That does make sense
crewinme (03:12:28 PM): yeah…well I wonder about what other people thing too all the time…and I’ve been very close to shut my website down because of that…but for some reason I’m still here
xxxxx (03:13:03 PM): Oh don’t shut it down, I’m sure it has helped so many, we really do need these sort of places, where we have others who understand
xxxxx (03:13:34 PM): We need to be able to talk to others who know how we feel
crewinme (03:14:31 PM): yes I know that…. and I don’t think I will shut it down since I’ve been online this long…it’s such a big part of me now
crewinme (03:14:40 PM): yes that’s very true
xxxxx (03:14:34 PM): I have no-one to talk to, so I findd these places very helpful
crewinme (03:16:36 PM): yeah… it was like that for us too at one point… before we really started to “be out” about the multiplicity….
xxxxx (03:16:35 PM): Do you feel stronger now
crewinme (03:17:32 PM): yes in a way I do
xxxxx (03:17:02 PM): maybe I will one day
crewinme (03:17:58 PM): you will I’m sure
xxxxx (03:17:21 PM): Thanks
xxxxx (03:18:09 PM): I’m going to have to go now, but talk to you again if that is ok
crewinme (03:19:22 PM): ok yes sure I’d be happy to talk to you again soon
crewinme (03:19:36 PM): and if you don’t see me as online I might be there anyway
xxxxx (03:19:05 PM): Great bye for now
But the real thing is that the only reason I started putting my story up on the internet was for me… I didn’t think that people would actually find anything supportive in it… At first it was only me who knew about it… and even tho I was a Community Leader at GeoCities at the time… I had “hidden pages” (which was and still is not allowed there)…pages that weren’t linked to any other pages…. some of them were linked one by one but there where many “secrets” that never got to be public on GeoCities…
…Then I got this domain and I decided that I wouldn’t hide anymore…. I’ve often had to fight internal battles for some of the tings I write about… but it’s still here… however there are still parts of my past that I haven’t written about or at least not much… yeah some are still hidden in places I where I can’t find them…some are just a very vague memory… but what is the purpose of all of this? why am I writing about this which at many occasions is extremely painful, depressing and shameful? I don’t know the answer really…. maybe it is because I want to “write myself away from it”… like if I write about it I can put it behind me and somehow accept it as a part of the past… I think that for me there really doesn’t have to be a reason … I know that I have learned a lot by this…. I have accomplished things here that I didn’t think I was capable of… I feel stronger and less afraid of what I may or may not find among the “worms” … I just have to remember to pick them up and toss them “out the window” like the others before them …
I am here… and I will be here for a long long time… whether you like it or not 🙂
I’m glad you’ll be here for a long time! And even more glad that you aren’t letting people who really don’t know what they’re talking about determine what you do and write. love you (((((((((((((((((Gabriel))))))))))))))))))
I think it’s wonderful that you will continue on Gabriel. It is for you and we are just invited guest. I have such a plain life, that my website does have lot of the fluff you mentioned, but my life is that. The beauty of the web is that we make it of it what we put into it and it’s ours. If someone else doesn’t like it or is offended they don’t have to stay or come back. I wish I had a true gift of words and the abiltiy to express my thoughts elequontly (sorry spelling is poor) but I do write what I know. Sometimes I have more on my heart that I express, but I don’t because I don’t know how to that will make any sense to anyone. Maybe I should just do it anyway for me. You’ve certainly showed me that it’s ok to and maybe one day I’ll have that courage. God Bless…
I just wanted to thank you for your comment… I realize that even so the main reason for my website is that it is there for me to write in… there are people who come here and receive some support from reading it… I cannot deny that… and yes that does help me to know that I am not alone… but then again I don’t think I would be doing this if I didn’t think it was helping me in some way too….
Nanzce, no matter how you think your life is plain or “normal” or has the “fluff” as you put it 🙂 it is your website, and your life… and for what it is worth I love to read your writings and websites and blogs just like yours… Writings of “everyday normal” people…. or writings of “different” kind of people than myself are interesting to me…. I had this for a few years…. waking up in the morning… going to work… and I miss that… I visit your site every day Nancze tho I’m not very good at leaving a comment on other people’s writings… I enjoy visiting your site because I know how kind and loving person you are…
I think that everyone….even those of us who can’t spell properly (to me your writings and spelling is good btw) …write things that doesn’t come across exactly as we are “thinking” it…. I often write about things that probably doesn’t “make sense” to other people in the same way as it “makes sense” to me… but that’s ok…. it is ok because these are my thoughts and they make sense to me…even if it’s only at the time that I wrote it… I find entries in my archives that make no sense or very little sense to me now… they might do some day but if not it is ok…
Yes, Nancze… you to can write whatever is on your mind in your entries… If what you write only makes sense to you… it’s ok …. write whatever comes to mind….. even if it only makes sense to you on the day you write it… The beauty of blogging is that you have the ability to share your thoughts whether it makes sense to people or not… you have the ability to give strangers a change to peak into your life and/or way of thinking by just being yourself…
I think that there are to many that are either afraid to “just be themselves” on their blogs and write only what they think their visitors will like to read about instead of “just letting it all go”… For me… sometimes I don’t write about certain things because I think it might either make my visitors feel uncomfortable or think less of me in some way… and by that forget the very reason I am doing this… I am “afraid” person… and yes I admit that I want to please everyone… I have a big fear of hurting other people but that doesn’t make me a better person though…. not for me or anyone else… This is why I have to remind myself everyday that my website is for me first no matter what others may think of it…
“just be yourself”…. those three lil words look easy enough….but they are far from being easy no matter where or who you are….
.. wonderful Gabriel what you write here to Nancze and i’m so glad that you will stay here for a long long time! .. i still don’t know why i am writing in my log .. i came visiting logs, first Noah then you Gabriel, mostly out of feelings of compassion and because i found something very special there .. like some human diamonds imbedded in pain. .. and my wish to help and to heal if i only could .. is keeping me restless .. is propelling me on to learning and searching .. to find answers .. to find help ..
Maybe whatever we do is for ourselves ..
you say “just be yourself” .. i think, and all around me think that i am very much myself .. but Gabriel, .. i don’t know who i am! .. i guess this sounds dishonest .. sorry about that 🙁
.. are we our ‘lifestory’? .. our name? .. or titles?.. our intentions? .. our actions? .. our mistakes? .. our body? .. our invisible soul? ..
i dont know .. seems to me, in a way i have mostly ‘avoided myself’ by thinking about others ..
i see this doesn’t make much sense at all 🙁
i am a silly/werid cokkie huh? just kidding! love ya Gab! ((((((GAB))))))))))
i can’t even spell cookie right today! i am pathetic.
You’re writing always make sense to me 🙂 now how about a smile ? huh?
I don’t think I (or anyone for that matter) really know why I write here…. at least I have no idea why I started writing online like this…. I don’t think I thought about it that much at the time… not as much as I
do now anyway….
I don’t think that we are our lifestory, name, actions or our mistakes…. I think it’s more the other way around… if that makes sence…. Those are not us but a part of us and these things are the very things that make us into what we are…. Like… we learn from our actions… our mistakes etc and if we find ourselves in a familiar situation we try to use what we have learned in the past tho that doesn’t always come out as the “best” way…
I too feel like I am “avoiding myself” sometime… In the past 3 years or so I’ve joined up for numberous support groups with the intentions of maybe be able to share my life with others like me but somehow I end up avoiding my issues and focusing on other people and support them… This is why my website… my journal especially… means so much to me… I feel that this is the only way for me to express myself about those things… and yes… I do get support form everyone who come here… the ones that don’t comment or e-mail me too… even those who don’t like what they find here… I am learning…. and I will continue to learn…
Love you Dorit!…. Sorry I missed you today btw
hehe Carrie… *wave* oops does that mean I’m in trouble now? hehe
…and hmmm who was saying what to whom about not being hard on one self earlier :/ or was it all in my head? :O