I remember when I was starting out on making a website of my own… It wasn’t really a website…it was more of a page than a whole site… Sunna had already made a few pages…about us, the kids… “Hi my name is.., these are my kids and here is a page for my cat” ….you know those pages that so many people make as their first website…

well anyway this was in 1998, in September (I think)… I wrote a little bit about myself… about my music… about the music school I went to …and the only school I have ever been to in my life (as a student that is). I also wrote about the fire and the loss of the kids and how that affected Sunna and me…but the hardest part of all of it… I wrote about the accident where I almost killed Chris and Maria in my own stupidity of driving under the influence of alcohol… My biggest concern was that all of those people (especially those who had lost someone because of drunk driving) who Sunna and I had been supporting in their grief would turn against me or something. Nobody did though…none that I know of anyway but rather people congratulated me for my courage of writing about it and putting it up on the internet… but still i struggled with myself thinking that I shouldn’t have put this up for everyone to read… this was a part of my past that I was ashamed off and I didn’t really want anyone to know about… I that that I somehow hid behind the fact that I had even more shameful parts from my past that I was 100% sure that I would never ever talk or write about in my life… and at that time my wife still thought she had had the perfect mother in-law and that her son was just a bit over anxious about certain things…

Well I did write more… first I only did it for myself and kept my writings pass worded and put it on a floppy disc so I could take it with me to work… This was before we got a CD writer so soon the file became too big to be put on a floppy disk and in a way I became more “careless” and I just left it on the computer tho I hid it between files that I was doing for work… Then I started having problems at work… I thought that my writings could probably be the cause for that so I stopped writing… I had opened a can of worms that were buried somewhere deep inside and I couldn’t catch them again…

I knew there were people who had been through similar things that I had been through so I went looking on the Internet… I found a few groups… tho most of the members there were females and I didn’t really feel at home there…or able to talk about my problems with them… so I was mostly in the role of a supporter… I guess I’ve always been more in that role than getting support for myself other than this good feeling you get when someone sends you an e-mail or a message through an instant messengers just to thank you for helping out…

It doesn’t really take much…. like…. a few days ago… someone messaged me at random….:
xxxxx (02:58:33 PM): what have you been up to
crewinme (03:00:17 PM): sigh… defending myself and my website mostly
xxxxx (02:59:32 PM): Did your little ones enjoy easter
crewinme (03:00:36 PM): The last few days have been really weird here
xxxxx (02:59:53 PM): Why whats happening with your website
crewinme (03:00:40 PM): yes easter was good
crewinme (03:01:54 PM): oh someone posted about my website… some really bad things….
crewinme (03:03:11 PM): The worst thing is that those people clame they “know” stuff that they really don’t know anything about…. such as DID/MPD
xxxxx (03:02:31 PM): Yes I saw it Do you know why
crewinme (03:04:31 PM): no I don’t know why they are doing this and I’m not the first …nor will I be the last webiste owner they attack like that
xxxxx (03:04:47 PM): I’m so sorry, its a pity they haven’t any thing better to do
crewinme (03:05:49 PM): yes it is….
xxxxx (03:05:11 PM): I thought your website was pretty good
crewinme (03:06:03 PM): they should be studdying harder I think
xxxxx (03:05:28 PM): Thats right
crewinme (03:06:16 PM): thanks
xxxxx (03:05:55 PM): Did it take you long to do the site
crewinme (03:07:51 PM): I’ve been online since February/March 1998 and had my first site ( a part of this site) in March/April 1998
xxxxx (03:07:52 PM): I’m sure it has helped alot of people out there
crewinme (03:09:49 PM): yeah but it has helped me too…
crewinme (03:10:55 PM): I don’t feel that I have to “hide” there if that makes sense well untill now
xxxxx (03:10:49 PM): Thats good, it is so hard for us to be able to trust anyone, wondering what they will think, we can just be ourselves with each other
xxxxx (03:11:34 PM): That does make sense
crewinme (03:12:28 PM): yeah…well I wonder about what other people thing too all the time…and I’ve been very close to shut my website down because of that…but for some reason I’m still here
xxxxx (03:13:03 PM): Oh don’t shut it down, I’m sure it has helped so many, we really do need these sort of places, where we have others who understand
xxxxx (03:13:34 PM): We need to be able to talk to others who know how we feel
crewinme (03:14:31 PM): yes I know that…. and I don’t think I will shut it down since I’ve been online this long…it’s such a big part of me now
crewinme (03:14:40 PM): yes that’s very true
xxxxx (03:14:34 PM): I have no-one to talk to, so I findd these places very helpful
crewinme (03:16:36 PM): yeah… it was like that for us too at one point… before we really started to “be out” about the multiplicity….
xxxxx (03:16:35 PM): Do you feel stronger now
crewinme (03:17:32 PM): yes in a way I do
xxxxx (03:17:02 PM): maybe I will one day
crewinme (03:17:58 PM): you will I’m sure
xxxxx (03:17:21 PM): Thanks
xxxxx (03:18:09 PM): I’m going to have to go now, but talk to you again if that is ok
crewinme (03:19:22 PM): ok yes sure I’d be happy to talk to you again soon
crewinme (03:19:36 PM): and if you don’t see me as online I might be there anyway
xxxxx (03:19:05 PM): Great bye for now
But the real thing is that the only reason I started putting my story up on the internet was for me… I didn’t think that people would actually find anything supportive in it… At first it was only me who knew about it… and even tho I was a Community Leader at GeoCities at the time… I had “hidden pages” (which was and still is not allowed there)…pages that weren’t linked to any other pages…. some of them were linked one by one but there where many “secrets” that never got to be public on GeoCities…

…Then I got this domain and I decided that I wouldn’t hide anymore…. I’ve often had to fight internal battles for some of the tings I write about… but it’s still here… however there are still parts of my past that I haven’t written about or at least not much… yeah some are still hidden in places I where I can’t find them…some are just a very vague memory… but what is the purpose of all of this? why am I writing about this which at many occasions is extremely painful, depressing and shameful? I don’t know the answer really…. maybe it is because I want to “write myself away from it”… like if I write about it I can put it behind me and somehow accept it as a part of the past… I think that for me there really doesn’t have to be a reason … I know that I have learned a lot by this…. I have accomplished things here that I didn’t think I was capable of… I feel stronger and less afraid of what I may or may not find among the “worms” … I just have to remember to pick them up and toss them “out the window” like the others before them …

I am here… and I will be here for a long long time… whether you like it or not 🙂

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