I guess I’m behind on everything… I have tons of e-mail in my mailbox that I haven’t read…another ton that I need to reply to and I feel that I have neglected the people out there… my friends…when I “drive” by their blogs and look inside the window and then drive a way to the next one… without saying hi to anyone… then I go back “home” and do a bit of work here and there or I write something like this….

I’ve been neglecting the mailing lists I’m on… well maybe not neglecting them because after all none of them have required amount of posts from members… but still I feel that I’m not doing what I planed to do when I joined up with them… I had more expectations from my self…. I have the attendance to join up to a mailing list…. post an intro message and then reply to the responses I get and then I don’t follow up on that…. Maybe I’m afraid of making a fool out of myself there… saying the “wrong thing”… offend someone… or I just don’t have anything interesting to say…. I don’t know…. I read the mail and I see a prely in my head but most of the time I don’t write it let alone send it back to the list…. I don’t know what it is…. but I love reading the posts and I want to throw myself into the discussions but somehow I just stand in the corner and watch in silence….

I feel I’ve been neglecting my “e-mail buddies” too…. you know those people where your only contact with them is through private e-mail… I have a few of those… People that I’ve know for ages (well those years that I’ve been online sometime seem like ages) and it always makes my day hearing from them…. I wonder if they feel the same way…. maybe I should write a few e-mails after I’m done writing this entry huh? We’ll see…..

It s just that I feel I am stuck in a the pit of my past… and that I am sinking deeper and deeper by the minute… with nothing at all to hold on to… Yes I’m feeling sorry for myself now….

Maybe it’s just the effect of my doc taking me off medication… maybe it’s just the depression sneaking up to me… It is always the depression… isn’t it? My doctor said I should wait a while… “this happens when people are getting off meds” huh? What about people who are on meds? The feeling of depression comes and goes for me…. meds or no meds or ect treatments, it doesn’t seem to matter….. Maybe it is because I am a wacko? Maybe it is because of tomorrow…. yes the tomorrow…. why? anniversary of something from the past ? ugh yes! the past again….

I miss you! ((((((((Chris)))))))) I am still mad as hell at you for not telling us about your illness until it was “too” late…. we would have been there fighting…by your side…. you shouldn’t have had to go through this alone… and you know I would have been able to do that too… I wouldn’t have gone any crazier than I am now…. I know you didn’t tell us because you wanted to do what you thought was best for us…. but we are here and you are “there” now… and it’s so fucking hard!