the day started out very well I think… which is good for a change…
First let me start by wishing my very good friend and “sister” a happy 19th birthday!!!!! Love you LOTS!! 🙂
I got this very nice e-mail from Nanzce which helped me get over the early morning “grouchiness”. I may have some distorted thoughts on what a friend is or of the meaning of the word… but even though Nanzce and us haven’t had much contact other than leaving comments in each other blogs I still consider her to be a friend… and Nanzce… I hope we will get to know each other better 🙂
I’m freezing my but of …sigh…. and have been for the last 4 days or so… maybe longer… It’s not that it is cold here or anything… in fact the other guys are melting all the time coz I keep closing the windows and turning the heat on full power… I guess all of this is my own fault tho since I haven’t been eating much… and I’m loosing weight again…
Normally when I go through these “non eating periods” I don’t feel the need to SI but this time it hasn’t…. I still get the urges and it has been more difficult to fight them now for some reason… It’s nothing “major” tho ….meaning I haven’t needed stitches or anything like that… It’s nothing I can’t take care of myself… how ever what has been unusual about all of this now is the frequency of it…. and especially that most of the times I’ve SI-ed these past few days I haven’t even thought about “not doing it”…
I don’t know if it is good or bad but I feel that I do have better control over the SI now thank I have had before…. I was just reading entries from 2 years ago that where it was obvious to me that I wasn’t “on top” of things but rather I was having the SI controlling me….
Sometimes when I talk about this to people I say that I “have been bad” when I refer to the SI… but the thing is…. that even though I know that SI isn’t exactly what I should do… I don’t “feel” that I have been bad… not really… A very good friend once described it as this being the head saying one thing and the heart another thing…
I guess as I refer to it as being bad I mean that in most people’s eyes it is bad to do this… and yes sometimes it is bad in my eyes too… I can see where people are coming from by thinking that it’s horrifying that someone would actually cut one’s skin open or brake bones in order to be able to cope for the day….
I used to feel ashamed after hurting myself…. I don’t know if that was because of what other people might think of it or not… that’s probably part of it…. but it’s also that I know this isn’t a very good way to deal with what ever is going on in my head…. but I do it anyway…. Maybe it’s a bit like smoking….. I smoke… I know it’s unhealthy… I know I can get cancer from smoking but still I do…
As being a former SI-er this entry made a whole lot of sense to me. Hang in there my friend!
Hi Gabriel, Thank you again for the mention and I am glad we are friends. I wish I understood why you SI, I haven’t know anyone who does it, so it’s all new to me. I am one who can’t stand pain, so I feel maybe I would try something else instead, yet not really for I just don’t like it if I feel I have no control over myself and what goes on around me. Even when the days seem so bad that I don’t feel like going on, I have this inner voice or feeling that keeps telling me that it’s ok, it will get better. I don’t feel this way to often though because I like life, and enjoy life. It really angers me to see you feel that this is what you have to do to cope. I wish I could help, but I am at a loss for words. I can pray though and I do that, that you will understand the God of Love that I know. That he only wants good things for you and to wipe away all the horrors of the past to look towards a brighter future. I probably don’t make alot of sense to you, but I see in you that loving heart and spirit. I wish it could really know how much it is loved by others.. Glad I helped get you over the grouchyness of your morning. 🙂 Love you dear friend… God Bless…