Today has been a very strange day for me emotionally… First I woke up around 10 am (I’m usually here by 7 or 8 am) I logged on… talked to my SuePooh While I was talking to Sue I wrote a letter to Chris… fighting the tears… sigh …It felt good to cry…
I’ve been reading a lot of mail today… even replied to a few of them… (sorry to those of you who I still owe an e-mail) …. and going through forums that I’m a member of… <privatemessage> luv you Tanya 🙂 </privatemessage>

There is one mailing list I am on that is very different from any other list I’ve been on… sometimes I hate that list… sometimes I love it… There are some pretty heated discussions there from time to time… even name calling of members… name calling of close friends who as far as I know go back to being best friends afterwards… but if I had to choose one list to be on I would choose this one… It’s not that I don’t like to be the other lists …

I know I do have a problem participating… posting and replying…or making my opinions known… and like I said before… It is easier to stand and watch from distance… But I don’t really want to just do that… I want to argue… be called names….. even call other people names… at least those who I know wont hold it against me… and I don’t think people on this particular list would… at least they would get over it soon… I think… but I’ve been a wimp so far I guess… but I am tired of being that wimpy person who is afraid of his own shadow… I want to do things because I want to do them… and not stand by because I fear to offend or hurt others…

I’ve had this on my mind for a while now… about people…friends arguing or maybe it’s more of friends not agreeing on things than actually fighting…

You see… I used to be someone who would *always* agree to just about anything in order to avoid any sort of conflicts or disagreement and then go to be with myself somewhere and think about my real feelings and thoughts on the matter for days… and very close to being obsessed at some point … really it was/is an obsession….

I may still avoid many things in a way… and yes maybe most of the time I do… and take the “easy way out” ….but lately I have “opened” up to some of my friends on issues where they don’t have the same opinion as I… sigh I’ve even argued with them but I still love them and they still love me. I have this fear though that seems to be very hard to shake… the words of the mother…. that I am on this earth for one purpose only…. and that purpose is to attract people… make them like me… and then when they do… I attack with my “evil power” and bring misery over people… Deep down I know that is not true… but at the same time I wonder… This may be one reason of why I keep my distance… the fear of hurting or offending people in some way…