I remember reading in someone’s blog an entry about friendship… about that person rather wanted a friendship have some sort of an ending than having it fade away slowly…

I’ve been thinking about this very thing over the weekend… I was staying with Sunna and my kids yesterday… and I was looking for something that I knew I had burned on a CD there once… As I was looking I found some other files and some samil mail cards and letters, that made me think about this…

What got this started was a copy of old e-mail messages to one of us… written by someone that I used to be very close friend with but that friendship ended very suddenly in January 2000… The reasons for that were my fault entirely but that’s not the issue here… I miss that friend…as she is not in my life anymore… I feel that even though I’m sure she is still out there somewhere I have lost her and her friendship and we will never be able to go back to what we had… I think about her often… and I feel lost….sad…angry about a lots of things especially at my self but also at something “unknown” …something that I can’t really identify… I feel like I am in grief for her… yes maybe I am.

Now back to the journal entry I mentioned in the beginning of this post… I think that for me I would rather have a friendship slowly fade away than the friendship having an ending… like one day you are friends with someone but the next day you are not… That is for me more painful than the other way … If someone just slowly fades away from you you don’t have the painful memories of the disclosure… you may still “miss” that person… but you still have the hope of talking to or meeting that person someday…

If you are in a friendship that ends because of some x event… or something like that…. if a friendship all of a sudden, no matter the reason, just ends one day…. does that mean that you can ever go back to being friends?

I don’t know that… maybe there is a change for some people… I don’t know if it will ever be the same tho… I wish it could be for me and this friend… but I don’t think it will ever be… we were “best friend” once…. at the time it felt to me that we would have done almost anything for each other… we told each other our deepest secrets… that we didn’t tell anyone else… I cared…and yes I still care …. about her. There is no doubt in my mind that the feeling was mutual at the time… One wrong move on my part and it was all over…

I wish I could go back in time and change everything about the end of our friend ship… Reading the words of a snail mail card she sent to us: ” I’m not sure where I would be right now without you all in my life. You are wonderful gift to me. Thank you for always being there. with all my love… ”

Reading that message filled me with sadness… anger over my own stupidity….. Reading this card….this message made me feel grief… Like from someone lost to death …..my best friend… that I will never be able to speak tho again…. I felt this same thing when Chris died… This is why I grief…

To J. where ever you are…. I don’t know if you ever come here… or if you even know about this website… but I still love you just as much as I did when we were friends… and I always will…. I miss you… I miss what we had… I am sorry for everything… I am sorry for being me…