Well I’m back from the hospital… actually got out of there yesterday morning and came back here late last night…
It was Amber’s 10th birthday yesterday and she wanted her dad to be there…

I just replied to a friends post to a mailing-list we’re on together and said something like I don’t want her to destroy herself… and yet here I am doing that very thing to myself and my body…

Thursday night I passed out… i was dehydrated not as bad as last time tho but enough to make my doc want to send me to the hospital… I don’t like hospitals… or people sticking needles in my arm so I don’t remember anything from the hospital stay… i couldn’t handle it so I just made myself disrepair kinda…

I know I need food to live but yet I can’t eat… I feel that I don’t deserve it…that I don’t deserve anything good in this life…

I feel stuck… and I don’t know how to get out…. When I try to do better or even when I think about getting better… it makes me feel like I’m cheating or something and I SI…don’t eat or anything that will get me “down” again… I find myself thinking up ways how to make myself feel bad physically …. and when I actually do some of those they make be feel “better” emotionally or at least until the guilt comes knocking on my door… Then I feel crazy and stupid for having those self destructive thoughts… and to get back “up” I do more as a revenge for being stupid and crazy…