Our therapist has been asking me questions like if I am afraid of being overweight or how I feel about people that are overweight… I guess she is trying to figure out why I don’t (want to) eat… or go to such lengths not to…. I wrote about that and give her a copy of it to read the other day… (That’s basically how I communicate with her (through writings)…. But I was just reading it again and I see that “my reasons” or what ever they are are not exactly realistic reasons…. I won’t disappear by not eating…. Death would come to us before that happens…..
I know the body needs food to function…and all that…. and yes it could die… Sometimes I do want to die though and we stopped counting the times where any one of us made an attempt to kill the body… but it always comes down to “keep on going for the people that care about us” But I ask myself if it is better for my children to have a father that is in a home for crazy people than having a dead father? I don’t know which one is better…. but still what keeps me here are the thoughts of them not having a dad… crazy or not crazy…. yet at the same time I feel that I can’t eat without feeling guilty or worthy of it… and I drive myself to a point where I have to be hospitalized for dehydration.
Not eating used to be an escape from not doing “other” SI…. but it really isn’t anymore… it has become an obsession…something “I have to do” and addition to SI… The staff here is supposed to keep a close eye on me weather I go to dinner/lunch/breakfast or what ever and they do…. but I usually figure out a way… to either pretend that I’m eating… or if I can’t.. I go to the bathroom after I’ve eaten…no matter how much or little and purge…
Still…back to the therapist’s questions… am I afraid of being overweight? I don’t really know that for sure… yes…I am in a way… but really I’ve never really thought much about how other people see me nor how I see myself in the mirror… how ever I think I am obsessed about my weight…. not that I am on the scale everyday…more that I get mad at myself if it goes up… In January/February my “stats” were: height = 6’1″ weight = 138lbs and now…or on April 18th, those numbers were: height = 6’1″ weight = 134 lbs … In a sick kind of way that makes me proud… I feel I have accomplished something which I don’t usually feel with other things… but yet at the same time it also makes me scared because I know I can’t continue this… and/or it makes me guilty because I am slowly killing my children’s father….