As I write this I am at home, with my wife and my children… It is a nice feeling being able to listen to their voices from the kitchen… Amber is doing her homework on the kitchen table and Emma and Gabriel are bickering about who can use more colors in the same picture.

Each time I come here on weekends I realize how lucky I am to have them…. each time I want to do anything to be able to stay with them all the time… have a life with them and not having to go back to the “home”. Maybe I am not trying hard enough to get my act together… I don’t know… but when I come here I realize how much I miss them all the time… and I’m reminded of what I need to do to get it back… I know I need to continue to fight my worst enemy….myself…. to be able to stay here for good… Yes, I feel this each time I am here but for some reason it changes when I leave….

The moments I stay with them give me a brake from myself… from the obsession of self destruction…. I know that these moments I spend with them don’t take away the darkness for good…. they give me a brake for a while but in time the darkness comes back… but the time I spend with my family is the time I when I feel strong… where I think of doing better… and to deal with things instead of “cut” them away…
But I what if I was able to be here all the time and I didn’t have to go back to the home? Would it be any better? I’m not too sure about that… because it is the “normal” that makes wakes the obsessions…the memories and the darkness…

Right now I don’t want to think about it….right now I want to think about the “now” and I want to make it good… a memory that will at least last me a week …or until the next time I can be here…