I’m fighting a battle with my self as I’m writing this…do I believe her or not? … I feel that I need to hurt myself at the moment…. in fact I’ve felt this since yesterday and tho I did give in then I feel that wasn’t enough…. and now I feel I need to do something much more than that…. but it’s crazy! I shouldn’t have to do anything like that…. and I think that by writing this I really don’t want to either… but why does this “feeling” stick around like that?
I’ve probably posted something like this before in the past but what I am about to write about is a part of what I was led to believe by “the mother” and what she believed …. even though i know it’s wrong/crazy/whatever I still believe some of it in away… I try very hard not to…I don’t want to believe it but i guess the reason it is so hard to let go is that “if” she was right I can’t take that chance….
she believed that before :we: were born she had a child that was evil… a child that was put in her life by the devil… she said that even if this child’s life was taken the “evil” in it wouldn’t go away… but instead take it’s place in another child… (Now for those who don’t know… she had a child (a boy) that died before my older sister Angela was born…. ) …and according to her that child was me.
she believed it was her task in life to “save” the world from those “evil powers” and to make sure that we wouldn’t forget who we really were…. and that were her reasons or how she justified the torture she put :us: through…. and those were her reasons for “teaching” :us: to do the same….
she believed that if she wouldn’t do the things she did to us…or that if we wouldn’t do them ourselves other people would suffer for it… I could say that there are times where I’ve felt she was right… and I admit that I have…still do or at least I wonder… and I ask myself what if she was right… what if I am the cause of my sister Karen dying? what if I am the cause of the fire what if I am the cause of Chris getting sick and then dying ???
…. I can go on …. but yesterday I posted about a feeling that I had when I woke up and a bad dream about my father…. I also said that I’d had this feeling before…. It happened right before Karen was born, it happened before the fire… it happened before the accident and it happened before Maria died and before Chris told :us: about his illness…
….so I wonder… it doesn’t make sense…. “it” is crazy…. I know…