There is something that I feel I have to tell my visitors… something that happened yesterday. I don’t normally write an entry that is only for my visitors but this time I feel I have to.

Around 2 or 3pm yesterday my therapist stopped by my room and told me she wanted to talk to :us:. She doesn’t usually come in on Sundays but I just thought she wanted to talk to :us: about what had been happening with me over the last few days… well actually that is what she wanted to talk about at the time… but I know now that wasn’t the real reason for her to come in on a Sunday…

Sunna came by here in the afternoon leaving the kids at home and she didn’t tell me why right away but she said the she needed to talk to :our: therapist first… I normally would have worried about what was going on but I didn’t… I felt there was something wrong going on but it didn’t affect me at all… When Sunna and :our therapist had talked the called me in and to make a long story short… they told my that at 10:35 am (Sunday morning) my father had another heart attack but that he didn’t make it this time…

Hearing that news didn’t leave me any emotions… I don’t feel anything and I don’t even feel that I am “numb” over these news… it’s feels like I just didn’t get them at all… On the inside there was nothing either… like they hadn’t been listening and they just kept on doing what they normally do…

Now it is Monday morning and none of us feels anything about this… it’s just like the father isn’t gone… it feels like the worries and all the craziness of the past few days didn’t happen… like it was just a dream that we have woken up from… and that we can no get on with doing what we normally do…

We’ve had news like this before… after the fire, when Chris died, when Maria died… but this is different… our reactions are different and it is scary… we should be feeling something… we are not sad, not numb nor angry or anything there between ….we know he’s gone but we feel nothing…

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