I am a member of many online groups and not just for multiples…. I am a member of support groups for self-injury, eating disorders, abuse and grief and others…some of which I’ve been a member of since I first came online. I am not very good at talking about myself there nor are the others with in our household. The only place where I’ve done that is my website and now when people are looking at it as if it is all made up I don’t feel that I can post here as openly as I have been doing. In the last couple of days there has been a discussion about my site on two websites where I feel it has been doubted. I don’t know if that is because I am open about my multiplicity or what. I don’t even know if the guys who started this think my website is made up or not… that is not the issue here…. but they have had messages about it and it hurts to see someone doubting oneself like that… I do it myself all the time so I don’t need any help with it….
I’ve hardly ever reached out to people and ask for their support for myself but rather I have been in the role of a supporter. My website, especially my journal is my outlet and where I have felt safe to talk about myself and what is on my mind…. and occasionally I have either sent an entry from the journal to a list or a link to it…. However, I don’t write about “everything” in here… it’s far from it… I have been keeping an online journal since mid 1998 starting with a password-ed journal where no one could read it unless I told people about it which I didn’t until early 1999. Now I find myself seriously thinking if I should just go back into hiding and password my journal again… or not… This isn’t the first time I have thought about it but this time I feel that I have to feel the safety of it…at least for a while…
I did make a promise to my self mostly and others in the household that I wouldn’t go back to that… and that we should try to give people the chance to look into our life as it might be of some use for someone out there… The worst feeling in the world for someone is to feel that they are alone… i’ve been in that place for so many times….. By opening up our journal has helped us to become more open in real life and with ourselves and to accept some of the chaos in our life and to learn to deal with it…
I am a scared person… it is very easy to make me feel uncomfortable… I feel uncomfortable around people in real life. It is not that I mean to doubt people. I have a problem with looking a person in the eye, I have a problem with speaking and I feel that every person that looks at me is doing it for some other purpose than just look… yes I know that is paranoia… I know that is unrealistic of me…. I know it is all in my head but I can’t help it and I don’t know how to tell myself not to feel this way… Some days are better than others but the feeling is there…
Online it is different… I don’t feel this way there… I see my website statistics… I see there are many people that I don’t know anything about coming here and read what I write… They too are “looking at me” in away.. but they do it quietly… there is no way for me to know what most of them are thinking or why they are taking time to come here… Yes I get an uncomfortable feeling when I see that people come here and read many pages of my site… they are looking at me more closely than others who just come here and read my latest entry… Over the last few days I’ve seen more of those… people reading many pages at the time… and yes that makes me feel uncomfortable… I get the same feeling as I have offline… scared and panicking and I want to run and hide… I tell myself over and over I’m being irrational… I know I am… but that doesn’t lessen the fear…
I talked to a friend of mine last night…she is a licensed therapist who has dealt with abuse survivors…. she is really much more than a friend to me… she is the one person that knows what to say to me as I’m in a middle of a panic attack, shaking so I can hardly type… I’m amazed she can understand my typing…. I told her about my fears and we talked about that maybe I should in order to feel safe here again put a password entrance on my journal… and maybe try it out for a week or so… I couldn’t decide… I still can’t decide… so I let her do it for me… I trust her and I think I need to give that a try…
To those of you who doubt the truth in my writings and see inconsistencies in my writings… which I am sure there are… you can not know how it is to be me… I doubt that any of you know how it is to have your mind twisted apart by someone who is supposed to love you and care about you…but doesn’t… to give you shelter and feed you but doesn’t… I doubt that your memory is full of uncompleted memories… fragments from your childhood… that is stored by several people or personalities that are inside your heads… I ask you to think about that…and I ask you to think about how lucky you are that you have not had such a life… I am not asking that you feel sorry for me…
Multiplicity or Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder is one of the most doubted ways of living/disorder there is… I don’t know if there is anything I can do to make people that doubt it change their minds… Even for many people who are diagnosed it is a problem for them to believe… I didn’t believe or didn’t want to believe that I might be like that… Multiplicity is not something that people choose… it is what is and either people accept it and learn to deal with it the best they can or they don’t… most people deal with it… many choose to seek therapy for it and work on integrating all the people/personalities into one… others choose to live their lives as a multiple household and work on better communications and cooperation within the household… The later is my choice… and a choice that I/:we: have a right to choose… I have doubted that choice many times but when we sit down and explore the possibilities this seems the only right way for us… I’m sure that is one of the things people see as “something wrong” or hard to believe… to those I suggest these websites… Dark Personalities and Astraea’s Multiplicity resources & Controversy
For other journals written by multiples I suggest you take a look at: Anachronic Army – Journal of multiple and take a look at some of the links on that site which are journals by other multiples… If you stay scroll down to the bottom of that page there is a webring that also can be found on many of those journals… Diary-X Multiples… If you browse through those journals, you will see that none of us is experiencing our multiplicity in the same way… To us there are no “stereotype multiples”… any more than there is a “stereotype” blogger, writer or whatever…
I am going to make another journal, which will be password-ed … this will be my last entry here for a little while… I am not going to delete or close this part of my website so you who want to can read all you want… and look for whatever clue you are looking for… I don’t have anything to hide but I must feel safe when I write… I must be able to have a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings and for now, this is the only way…. I am sure that none of you who doubt my website has considered contacting me personally but I am willing to listen to everyone’s thoughts… even though it might hurt… I do understand the fear that people have about lies and “made up” people on the internet… I have been burned by that too…
To my friends and loyal visitors… if you want access to my password-ed journal please e-mail me… tell me who you are…though I’m sure I will know you… if I get an e-mail from someone that I don’t know I will e-mail you back even though it might take a few days… and ask for more details… If for some reason I miss your e-mails just e-mail me again until I reply just to make sure that I have received your messages… I hope all of you can understand why I need to do this…but I promise it won’t be forever…
Good Morning Gabriel…
You can do whatever you want. This is all yours. It is quite amazing that you have shared like this and I for one, Thank you for enlighting me with Multiplicity. You are a true friend and I hope that you continue this for YOU and YOU only.
Sending you lots of Kiss and Hugs from me
You have taught me so much, you know? I too was ignorant about multiplicity like many others are. Unfortunately some some don’t open their minds and hearts enough! Know that I love you 😀
Anxiously waiting for that passcode! I couldn’t stand not reading you anymore 😀 Love you bunches! Sandee xoxoxo
I apologize if by questioning this site I have offended or upset you. I wish you the best – I won’t be back, nor will I post a link to your site again.
I’m a stranger from CO who discovered your site from Jerry Kindall’s. I just want to say that your site is one of the most powerful I’ve ever seen on the ‘net. I, too, know what it feels like to be paralyzed by fear. I just want to say that I think the people who come here believe your story(ies). And anyone who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve an ounce of your energy! Here’s hoping that you feel even just a small part of the huge amount of love and compassion that is sent your way from the people who read your writings.
You should, of course, do what you feel you need to do to feel safe. But I hope you come (back) around to feeling that posting your writings for all to read actually helps you gain strength in your battles, and makes you more complete, in myriad ways.
You are a very powerful human being. Please know that!
(((((((((((((Gabriel))))))))))) Your friends said it all…..We believe in you and love you no matter what! You’re not alone, we’re right behind you. I love you!
I’m another stranger who has been reading your journal for quite some time; I’ve written about my reactions to it on my own site, and I’ve publicly defended it against people who questioned its authenticity. Of course I don’t know you, Gabriel, and as just another set of lines in your website statistics, I’m in no position to say whether you are what you (singular or plural) claim to be in these pages – but I choose to believe.
The power and emotional honesty in your journal was instrumental in the gradual conversion of my own weblog. Like so many others out there in blog-land, I had a collection of clever links, pop culture tidbits, and in-jokes and called it a blog; recently I’ve been trying to utilize it as more of an “open book” journal in which I try to organize my thoughts, make sense of my existence, as well as examine the connections and happenstances that have made me who I am. It’s mostly for the benefit of my friends, but there are complete strangers with their own sets of opinions who come and read it too. Anybody who makes such a leap is inviting scrutiny and examination, and that takes a lot of bravery, I know that all too well now. The idea that anybody could be reading our innermost thoughts, and that we might have to defend them, can be terrifying. In my opinion, every word you have written here is filled with immense courage; you’ve been a great inspiration to me, and I’m sure, many others.
I’m glad that you’ll still be writing for the benefit of your inner core of friends. It’s your unimpeachable right to put walls up around this public weblog; safety is a basic human need. I, for one, am a bit saddened that you have made this decision and hope that you’ll be back here in the Thought Space someday.
DO what makes you feel safe, Gabriel… that’s the best thing for you to do – and you know we’ll be waiting for your return. *smile*
I couldn’t agree with you more Gabriel and I agree with John also. You have a very powerful and thought pondering site and you are an amazing person for sharing your life with so many of us out here, who believe in you despite some who don’t. Don’t feel so bad Gabriel / it isn’t worth it!!! Hang in there…
Best of luck, Gabriel.
As most of the people who read the journal on this site know I was one who questioned Gabriel’s veracity and authenticity. I’m still not convinced that he is indeed what he claims t be (or that he’s definitely not what he claims), but I’m not posting about my opinion of the truthfulness of this site. I’m commenting to tell Gabriel that regardless of it all he shouldn’t let people take away what he loves. I think it’s great that he’s still journaling, but there’s no need to hold back. People are going to make comments and form opinions no matter what (quite possibly even if the public entries stop). Maybe by keeping the journal public, Gabriel, you can influence their opinion to be a positive one. Don’t let them take your wings from you.
i’d like to read you wherever you are writing. love you!
I’ve read your site for a while now. I rarely comment, but I’m a faithful reader. I can only say this, do what you feel is right for you. You and the crew have to chose what the best path is, and no one else can do that. If you do go passworded, then I hope you return soon. If not, then I shall read all about it soon. You just do what you feel is best.
My idea in life is that you should not allow anyone stop you from doing what you want and doing it openly. However, like some of your commenters have stated it is not easy to find open minded people and it is your right to let others get into your life.
I enjoy reading your journal, even if I don’t comment much. It’ll be up to you to give me access to your thoughts 🙂 I will be grateful.
Have a good week, Gabriel!