I am a member of many online groups and not just for multiples…. I am a member of support groups for self-injury, eating disorders, abuse and grief and others…some of which I’ve been a member of since I first came online. I am not very good at talking about myself there nor are the others with in our household. The only place where I’ve done that is my website and now when people are looking at it as if it is all made up I don’t feel that I can post here as openly as I have been doing. In the last couple of days there has been a discussion about my site on two websites where I feel it has been doubted. I don’t know if that is because I am open about my multiplicity or what. I don’t even know if the guys who started this think my website is made up or not… that is not the issue here…. but they have had messages about it and it hurts to see someone doubting oneself like that… I do it myself all the time so I don’t need any help with it….

I’ve hardly ever reached out to people and ask for their support for myself but rather I have been in the role of a supporter. My website, especially my journal is my outlet and where I have felt safe to talk about myself and what is on my mind…. and occasionally I have either sent an entry from the journal to a list or a link to it…. However, I don’t write about “everything” in here… it’s far from it… I have been keeping an online journal since mid 1998 starting with a password-ed journal where no one could read it unless I told people about it which I didn’t until early 1999. Now I find myself seriously thinking if I should just go back into hiding and password my journal again… or not… This isn’t the first time I have thought about it but this time I feel that I have to feel the safety of it…at least for a while…

I did make a promise to my self mostly and others in the household that I wouldn’t go back to that… and that we should try to give people the chance to look into our life as it might be of some use for someone out there… The worst feeling in the world for someone is to feel that they are alone… i’ve been in that place for so many times….. By opening up our journal has helped us to become more open in real life and with ourselves and to accept some of the chaos in our life and to learn to deal with it…

I am a scared person… it is very easy to make me feel uncomfortable… I feel uncomfortable around people in real life. It is not that I mean to doubt people. I have a problem with looking a person in the eye, I have a problem with speaking and I feel that every person that looks at me is doing it for some other purpose than just look… yes I know that is paranoia… I know that is unrealistic of me…. I know it is all in my head but I can’t help it and I don’t know how to tell myself not to feel this way… Some days are better than others but the feeling is there…

Online it is different… I don’t feel this way there… I see my website statistics… I see there are many people that I don’t know anything about coming here and read what I write… They too are “looking at me” in away.. but they do it quietly… there is no way for me to know what most of them are thinking or why they are taking time to come here… Yes I get an uncomfortable feeling when I see that people come here and read many pages of my site… they are looking at me more closely than others who just come here and read my latest entry… Over the last few days I’ve seen more of those… people reading many pages at the time… and yes that makes me feel uncomfortable… I get the same feeling as I have offline… scared and panicking and I want to run and hide… I tell myself over and over I’m being irrational… I know I am… but that doesn’t lessen the fear…

I talked to a friend of mine last night…she is a licensed therapist who has dealt with abuse survivors…. she is really much more than a friend to me… she is the one person that knows what to say to me as I’m in a middle of a panic attack, shaking so I can hardly type… I’m amazed she can understand my typing…. I told her about my fears and we talked about that maybe I should in order to feel safe here again put a password entrance on my journal… and maybe try it out for a week or so… I couldn’t decide… I still can’t decide… so I let her do it for me… I trust her and I think I need to give that a try…

To those of you who doubt the truth in my writings and see inconsistencies in my writings… which I am sure there are… you can not know how it is to be me… I doubt that any of you know how it is to have your mind twisted apart by someone who is supposed to love you and care about you…but doesn’t… to give you shelter and feed you but doesn’t… I doubt that your memory is full of uncompleted memories… fragments from your childhood… that is stored by several people or personalities that are inside your heads… I ask you to think about that…and I ask you to think about how lucky you are that you have not had such a life… I am not asking that you feel sorry for me…

Multiplicity or Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder is one of the most doubted ways of living/disorder there is… I don’t know if there is anything I can do to make people that doubt it change their minds… Even for many people who are diagnosed it is a problem for them to believe… I didn’t believe or didn’t want to believe that I might be like that… Multiplicity is not something that people choose… it is what is and either people accept it and learn to deal with it the best they can or they don’t… most people deal with it… many choose to seek therapy for it and work on integrating all the people/personalities into one… others choose to live their lives as a multiple household and work on better communications and cooperation within the household… The later is my choice… and a choice that I/:we: have a right to choose… I have doubted that choice many times but when we sit down and explore the possibilities this seems the only right way for us… I’m sure that is one of the things people see as “something wrong” or hard to believe… to those I suggest these websites… Dark Personalities and Astraea’s Multiplicity resources & Controversy

For other journals written by multiples I suggest you take a look at: Anachronic Army – Journal of multiple and take a look at some of the links on that site which are journals by other multiples… If you stay scroll down to the bottom of that page there is a webring that also can be found on many of those journals… Diary-X Multiples… If you browse through those journals, you will see that none of us is experiencing our multiplicity in the same way… To us there are no “stereotype multiples”… any more than there is a “stereotype” blogger, writer or whatever…

I am going to make another journal, which will be password-ed … this will be my last entry here for a little while… I am not going to delete or close this part of my website so you who want to can read all you want… and look for whatever clue you are looking for… I don’t have anything to hide but I must feel safe when I write… I must be able to have a place where I can share my thoughts and feelings and for now, this is the only way…. I am sure that none of you who doubt my website has considered contacting me personally but I am willing to listen to everyone’s thoughts… even though it might hurt… I do understand the fear that people have about lies and “made up” people on the internet… I have been burned by that too…

To my friends and loyal visitors… if you want access to my password-ed journal please e-mail me… tell me who you are…though I’m sure I will know you… if I get an e-mail from someone that I don’t know I will e-mail you back even though it might take a few days… and ask for more details… If for some reason I miss your e-mails just e-mail me again until I reply just to make sure that I have received your messages… I hope all of you can understand why I need to do this…but I promise it won’t be forever…

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