Yes we’re back for those of you who already have access to my password-ed section don’t get rid of my e-mail right away cos I or one of us, might use it sometime… I want to thank all of you who commented on my last entry… and if Jerry or Graham reads this, which I hope you do… Non of this is your fault! You two didn’t do anything wrong by mentioning my blog on your site like you did… All of this fear that we felt isn’t really anyone’s fault… it is something that we live with everyday and it doesn’t take much to make us afraid at the same time it doesn’t take much to make us smile either…

This site now has an entrance page with a few things that I would like everyone to read… I think all of you who visit here regularly know most of it by now… but I hope this will at least give people a little idea of what they might find in here… If you have any questions, comments or suggestions or whatever about the disclaimer please e-mail me about it and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I can…. But, I have to go away tomorrow to be at my father’s funeral and I probably won’t be back until late Sunday night or Monday morning, so there won’t be more posts until then…

I’m going to include a copy of an entry that I wrote in the password-ed journal yesterday morning… It’s mostly whining but it may give people a little idea of what was on my mind at the time I wrote it… and about how much this journal means to me…

May 16, 2002 ( copied from the password-ed journal)
I read all the wonderful comments to my last entry at my main journal and it makes me so sad… Even, though I appreciate all of the very much… Ashley’s comment made me want to reach out and give her a big hug… I’ve never asked people to totally believe everything I write about… especially when I’m writing about my past… I know that those memories can be brought on by a lot of things and even though it may seem to me that one memory is from one event, it could well be fragments of many memories that happened over a long period of time, that are joined together in one…. I only write about what is on my mind at each time… I only write about what I see through those memories…

It can happen and it has happened that I’ve written about a memory from my childhood that at first has seemed to me to be a onetime but as I’ve worked through it turns out that it spanned a longer period of time… I have not always made corrections on that in my journal… actually I’m not even sure if I have “corrected” any of those entries… There are entries where I have written about before and then where I’ve written about the very same memory in a “new/updated” version”. Maybe that is wrong of me… maybe most people haven’t read where I write about this journal being there for me first…

I want someday to be able to go over those entries and read them myself… as a journal of my struggle… a journal where I can see that I made it…or how I made it… and where I can see for myself that all of this was worth it…

I know that I could very well write my journal offline or password-ed or what ever… but I choose to do this online… closed at first but later open… why? I don’t think there is any one reason for that… I’m not even sure if there is a reason at all… But I have learned a very important lesson with my journal…probably more from being on the internet… I have learned to accept support from people… and have a real conversation with people through an instant messenger… something that I don’t really do otherwise (as in a face to face relationship)… Some are total strangers…others are members of my wife’s family… and/or people that I have known offline but never really talked to before and probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for my computer…

I don’t trust people very well… I don’t like to be around people… but what the computer/internet has given me is a change to meet people that I feel I can trust… I know that it is not very wise to trust someone that you can’t see nor even hear… and to many people, a conversation through an instant messenger isn’t a “real” conversation… but it is for me… even more than that with some people I know… it is the only way I can do it for now without having to feel uncomfortable…