It’s all in my head isn’t it? My head is full of the past and the present and the future just hang on the outside and they can’t get in because there is no room. And then… flashes from the past just push them off the edge and they fall…

Sometimes I get the feeling that it doesn’t matter what I do, think or feel…or how much I try I will never have a better life. A life without the nightmares or the fear and anxieties… Will there ever be room for the present and the future? I hope so… I have hoped for that for a very long time now but maybe hoping isn’t enough… is it? No it isn’t enough… Hope alone doesn’t take away the past… hope alone doesn’t help me to live and accept myself as for whom and what I am… It doesn’t make me feel comfortable taking a walk down the street nor does it ease the inner pain of my body.

In my heart I know what to do but so far my brain won’t let me… I am 36 years old, an adult…. but I feel more like a child… A child that needs protection from the world and/or from himself…

I’ve said it before that I want to try to change things…work harder… I don’t want to feel scared anymore… Maybe some things have changed… as I have more days that I feel “stronger” than I used to… all I need to do to figure that out is to read my archives.. or my offline journals and writings…