I’ve been meaning to post something here… but as much as I’ve wanted to post when I couldn’t because :mt: didn’t work… now it seems I can’t find anything to say… Maybe it’s because I’m tired… I’ve been tired for a few days now…. and Wednesday’s field trip was difficult physically and emotionally… It was scary but at the same time a pleasant experience… and as much as I didn’t want to go that morning I was glad I did… I needed the distraction… I need to try to do something like this more often… I need to learn how to stop worrying about things… Most of those things that I worry about is something that I can not control at all….
Maybe :we: really are people who thrive on crisis. Maybe that is all we know and where we feel “right” about being us… I read an article the other day about multiplicity… and one of the things it said was that many multiples seem to have a need to having to create crisis all the time… I know not all multiples feel that way… most probably don’t… But for me…sometimes I feel that this applies to me…
Our childhood was full of crisis… and we were worried all the time… we could never be sure of what could happen… Then we worried about not getting enough to eat or not getting enough sleep… or we worried about if we could hide the results of the abuse when other people were around… Now, there isn’t that much difference… I guess the difference now is that we can do something to change those worries… I don’t know if I am sleeping enough… I know I’m not eating enough… and though we haven’t SIed much over the past 2 weeks or so… But in a way I still worry about the things that I used to worry about while growing up… except I know now what to do to change things around so I wouldn’t have to worry about them… The problem is though that when I try to change things…it may work for a while….but then I start feeling uncomfortable about the change and start worrying again… Then I start worrying about things that don’t really make sense… even to me… about things that will/could happen if I get too comfortable… if I don’t SI or if I get “to much” to eat or “to much” sleep….
Right now, at this moment, I know that cutting my self up isn’t a very wise thing to do… It only “works” for a little while… and then later on, it brings on a feeling of guilt, and shame… and secrecy… and you feel you have to make up stories on why your arms look the way they do… I don’t really hide my scars anymore though…. I used to do that though… more to hide scars that weren’t done by me though, than anything else… People see them and they stare…sometimes people ask me what happened…..I don’t explain it to them…. some of us do though and tell them the truth but really is it anyone’s business?
Right now I know that in order to stay healthy…in order to live… we need food…. Other times I go out of my way to avoid eating… or if I can’t avoid it I end up purging it… with a feeling of either not deserving it… or… yes…. a fear of the scale… I haven’t admitted that fear before… not to myself or anyone else… but it’s time I face up to it…
Right now I want to be able to work out all those things…. those faults… before it’s too late… I want to be able to wake up with no worries on my mind… no secrets… no plots on how to avoid facing my fears…. Right now, I want to brake free from the past….
Gabriel, your writings stir an immense desire within us all. We have read a lot of your journal in recent times .. wish we could be as open as you. Love you, and honour your existence. Thankyou, i (petal) appreciate your travels into the unknown world multiplicity. You make a difference to our lives.