For a while now I’ve been thinking about taking a brake from this website…. I don’t feel motivated to write here anymore… at least not as I feel I should be… Lately I’ve been doing more and more offline writing and that is what is working for me right now… I know that I probably won’t stop writing here altogether but I may not write here as much as I have been… Maybe it’s the summer…the weather that is having those affects on me… but I feel guilty about spending all the time I spend on this computer when everybody else is sitting outside in the garden in the sun… I think I need to be a part of that…

Over the last few weeks…or since my father passed away… I have felt more in control of my life than I’ve ever felt before… I’ve been able to do things or not do things that I had a hard time doing before… Maybe it was happening before… I don’t know…. maybe I’m working harder… The time I’ve been spending with my family has helped a lot… and although I’ve known for a long time that starving or cutting one self up doesn’t really help at all… right now I feel ashamed for that part of my life… Don’t get me wrong… I know there are lots of people that do those things to them selves and I probably will too… but what I’m trying to say is that right now I don’t want it in my life…

As more and more people come here… I’ve started too feel pressured to write here… I know I don’t need to write about anything that I don’t want to write about but still I’ve felt that because people expect me to write about something like that… about everything that goes on inside my head… or they expect me to write in a certain way…. I’ve always felt pressured by a “what other people think” feeling… Every time I write an entry here I think about what the person who reads it will think…. or if my writings will make sense to anyone but me… I write entries that may seem only half of what I should have written… just bits and peaces… and even when I read those entries after a while… they don’t make much sense to me… so why should they make sense to other people?

Also I don’t have a very good knowledge of the English language…. very poor actually…. I’m not a well read person… I could probably count the books I’ve read on one hand… and one or two of those are in English…. I read blogs that are well written… not all of them are blogs that I would read again and again…but they are better than mine because at least those people know the language they are writing in… I don’t…. this is also one of the reasons why I need to write offline for a while…. still I don’t know if I will be able to keep a way…. maybe….maybe not….