I haven’t been here or on TF much over the last few days… I haven’t felt like writing anything… I guess in a way I’m panicking… I have thoughts coming at my from all directions… good and bad… from my past and about my future… and they all get mixed up in a way that I don’t know what to do anymore or how get them out…

I had an appointment with my doctor last Thursday… I don’t weigh myself regularly… most of the time when I do it is when I have check ups with my doctor… Thursday I was at 59 kg… or 130 lbs (I think)… only about a month ago I was 66 kg! I’m starting to think that’s some sort of a mix up though that I might have been less but that is what my record said. Maybe I’m hoping it is a mix up because of the way people are reacting to it… But hey isn’t that getting me closer to my “goal” of wanting to disappear? Or was that never a real goal…

I don’t know but 7kg lost in one month seem a lot to me… My doctor wasn’t happy… he said something… I didn’t really listen or I blocked it out… he talked to my wife about this and now she’s mad/upset/scared…

I am not trying to be “skinny”… (I think) I’ve always shifted between not eating at all, eating and purging or eating (almost) normal…. (I’m very picky on food) I know that most of my eating habits are “ghosts” from my past… and in a way that I am continuing the abuse that was such a big part of my past… I do this in many ways not only by denying my body of food… My brain doesn’t know how to deal with life… it has never known how to…

I shift between wanting to “get better” and not wanting to… I shift between being afraid of “always being like this” and “being happy”… I guess in a way I go down, or up, to a certain level where one fair gets greater than the other and I turn around…
Sometimes I wish that people wouldn’t care about me at all… but then I think about them being in the same place I am… I would be worried then…
Sometimes I feel guilty and shameful of the way I live my life… but those very thoughts make me want to go and do something stupid… the way I’ve used for so long to drive uncomfortable thoughts away… It works for a while… but sooner or later something else comes up and the story continues…

My life is a roller-coaster… Up and down…. Right now I’m at the bottom… I’ve been there before… when everything seems pointless and without hope… but at the same time my heart calls out and says it wants to heal… get better… live…