This is a part of posts I posted as a reply to a thread in a forum I’m a member of and is directed at the person who messaged me on YIM this morning… and just for the record if anyone messaged me with a message saying that Jesus will safe me that person will be put on ignor… and/or maybe a link to this entry…. The post is pretty much on the same subject this person wanted to/did talk about… This isn’t meant to offend anyone… I just need to write/rant about it….
Jesus has never loved me…. neither does god… It doesn’t feel right to me accepting god because by doing so I am admitting that
…he did nothing to help me through 27 years of abuse
…he has robed me of 5 children… 4 of which suffered when burning to death…
To me he is nothing more than a famous person in a history book (aka the bible) and I am NOT ashamed to admit that…
My mother believed she was following god’s will… and probably at some point I believe that too but I’m trying not to believe….
Really…. Was it God’s divine plan that my children, Kimberly and Megan. (age 5), David age (3) and Johnny (age 1) lost their lives in a fire?… Did God put my mother on this earth to “protect” the humanity of this world from my by torturing me?… carving “signs of Satan” in to my body? Remind me constantly of how “evil” I am? Can children really be evil? If you reply to those questions with something like… She wasn’t doing this with God’s approval…. then why the fuck did she…since everything is and everything happens because of God’s divine plan?
Call me stupid or narrow minded or what ever…. I don’t want to believe in any god… I don’t want to believe in a “higher power” I believe there is an physical explanation to everything…. some or maybe most of which we can not proof or even begin to understand because we don’t have the technology to do so….
You’re right, I don’t think there is anything that you or anyone else can say to me about god that will make me change my mind… I do have quite a few friends (online) that have very strong believes in god…and I do thing that it is a great thing for them… It just isn’t for me… Of all the “triggers” in the world religion is one of the most difficult to deal with… I am not a person who goes around avoiding triggering subjects however so on many occasions I’ve found myself entering debates on the subject in all sorts of emotional states…
If you’d ever read through my website you will probably figure out that I am not really a ball of happiness… Due to the abuse I went through I am scared of being “happy”…scared of recovery… scared of myself… scared of life even… I frequently get instant messages or e-mails from people who tell me that if I let myself believe I will “be saved”… I don’t believe that having a religion will save me from anything… it hasn’t in the past and I don’t see it happening in my future…
I am trying to “recover” from ED now… as well as working through other issues from my past… I can only do that by myself… no other person or spiritual power can do that for me… I’m not saying that I need to go through it alone… I don’t think I would be a part of a forum like this… nor would I be publicly broadcasting my life through an online journal if I thought that…. I have people in my life both offline and online that are there for me when I need someone to listen or to hold me… I have a wife that stays with me thought the worst and darkest moments of my life and I do depend on her to help me through those times…. But she can’t go inside my head and change things in there… she can’t take away the memories…. she can’t make me forget nor can she take away the fear… only I can do that… and maybe time…
… time is a good doctor … especially if you have friends to stand by you through time … and if you know and keep knowing and looking foreward to what you want your live to be in future time … or maybe … what you want to leave behind with time …
… (((((((((((((((((((((((Gabriel))))))))))))))))))))
… about ‘religion’ … that is a trigger point to me too! …( i think you know that) … i have the impression that it is ‘because’ of certain religions, that many people can’t believe in a God! …
it’s a trigger for me, too… it took me a very long time to separate the idea of a higher love from all the abuse and bullshit I was dealt in its name – and that’s something I still struggle with constantly. I do think religion and spirituality are two *vastly* different things, though – and it’s extremely difficult for me sometimes not to get angry at those who say “what I believe in is the only path to God/truth/etc”.
I do think it’s a very beautiful thing to have a love and reverence for the physical world around us, and to worship the potential and realised greatness of our fellow human beings – that is a “God” I think the world could use much more belief in =) and anyone who tries to force you to believe or feel or do anything that goes against your heart – well, I can’t imagine anything MORE un”god”like than that…
Anyway, sorry for the ramble… it’s a hot-button topic for me too 😉 ((((((((( Gab ))))))))))
I’m going to sound a little strange here, Gabriel, but you see… I’ve lost a big deal of loved ones and I’ve gone through some very sad moments in my life… My faith is still there. And you know why? Because it’s exactly the people around me and the love they show me what makes me feel there’s definitely a God putting things in our lives so the sorrow can be eased.
But I understand you. Sometimes we just can’t explain why stuff like this happens. Someone told me that those who suffer the most, are the ones who are the closest to God; it took me a while to accept it, and I went through many moments of anger against the concept of something big out there.
Anyway, I’m sorry for all the things that haven’t gone bad in your life and I hope some day you’ll find the peace of mind you need.
I’m not convinced that God dont work in cool ways. Even when that means stripping us of our innocence, or taking the most delicate pieces of our souls (children for example) away from us.
I dont know why I happen to use the word God. I’m not Christian or such.
Just a chic on a mission of her own.
Tred quietly
You are worthwhile
~ Deb
((((( Gabriel )))))
The great thing about been here… Everyone loves you for you. Everyone beleives in something, someone and some don’t. Well, as a Christian, I love you and totally understand what you are saying. If I were in your shoes, I would definetly think like you.
Sending you great big hugs my dear Gabriel 🙂
Hey I can definately see were you’re coming from, sometimes it IS kind of hard to understand why God allows bad things to happen ((He doesn’t make them, He allows them)) but the Bible assures us that ALL things work together for good to them that love God that can be found in Romans 8:28 BTW. I haven’t read any of your other entries but just from the references you gave, I can see you’ve had a hard life already, but if you live in the past, you’re not going to have a future, God not only CAN save you, but He WILL if you ask Him to and believer that He will. Religion sometimes isn’t a good thing, people take their religion way too seriously, Salvation is what is going to get you to Heaven, you can be the most religious person living but if you aren’t saved you’re gonna go to Hell, and alot of ppl say “well why would a GOOD God let His people go to Hell” because He gives us a choice, He will allow Anyone into heaven if they believe on His son, and they repent and die saved. I’m not trying to sound mean, I love you, it’s a love only God can give, but you can’t go through life complaining about your past, because I guarantee you if you don’t accept Jesus into your heart before you die, your future will make your past seem like paradise, burning in Hell for Eternity isn’t something Most people would like to do, and I am here to say you have a choice. God doesn’t force anyone to obey Him, He gives us all a choice, Heaven or Hell, Paradise or a bottomless firey pit? Your call man
Everyone has their own beliefs, but as long as we believe in ourselves….that’s what counts! I wish I could take all that hurt away :*(
Love you
God is something you have to esperience. You cannot be told this is God . . . this is what God should mean for you.
We all learned in school that we rarely believe what we are told. We have to experience it ourselves, first hand.
Maybe in time you will discover what God means to you. If not, I hope you find something that works for you.
Come on… if God was there, no one would be having this debate. Don’t say I have to experience ‘God’ I have, my mother forced me to go to church for years. If God loves any of us, why is life like this? Do we all really deserve to be tortured?
I SEE DUMB PEOPLE AND DOOMED
PEOPLE
Well, I guess I could give you a few “I Understands” or go into a scriptural diatribe, btu I get the impression that barking out scripture won’t help.
Gabriel, what I do know is this: Job suffered beyond any man and never cursed God. Even after his 5 sons and 2 daughters were killed at the same time. Read the first chapter, it’s probably more applicable for you than for me anyway.
And how about King David? God called him “a man after His own heart”. Read the Psalms lately? David did quite a bit of crying, yelling. and doubting Our Lord. And he wasn’t perfect either. He was an adultere. A murderer. A liar. Read 2 Samuel 11 & 12 ; Psalm 51 & then 34. If David, “after God’s Heart” was allowed to suffer, how much more then are we to suffer? Even as a “Christian” I am still quite hostile toward God. My emotions run my life more than Jesus does these days. I am often ashamed that I have lived the kind of low life that I have. I haven’t spoken to my own father over 2 years, my mother isn’t exactly living a Holy life yet there’s hope. I may not ever get to see my father again,My mom might be kind of …not “good” ,but that’s okay.I’ve got The Comforter, The Wonderful Counselor, Jesus Christ in my heart now. Not because I’m better than anyone else, or because I don’t know anything else.I’ve lived a very different but equally tragic life. It’s because God loves all of us and desires that none of us should perish with out Him. But,like someone said earlier, we have a will that God has granted us. Is it love to force someone to do what you want? Of course not.So would God force us to obey Him? No. Because then we’d only fear Him. And if we can understand that simple human example then we can indeed marvel at the exemplary, outstanding, and unfathomable Love that our Father in Heaven has for us.
Man, I am so sorry that I’m not the only one who got abused, beat , and called evil. I’m even more sorrowful that God the Father was also used as a weapon against you,too. And that goes for all of you. Many atrocities and mean-spirited things are done in the name of God by people who are either ignorant or have forgotten what a loving Father we ALL have. Your article is quite old. I don’t know if you will even read this, but I want you to know that my heartis breaking for you, but hopeful(Heb 11:1). And I am going to pray for you to see God in a real way-No longer through the past, but in the Glorious Future that awaits those who love God with all their heart, soul, and mind. That is the great and foremost commandment of God. The 2nd is similar: You shall LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. I know I love me. I know I love god and that I reside in Christ Jesus regardless of the trials I face. I know that I love you. Grace and Peace to you from Our Lord Christ Jesus….