This is a part of posts I posted as a reply to a thread in a forum I’m a member of and is directed at the person who messaged me on YIM this morning… and just for the record if anyone messaged me with a message saying that Jesus will safe me that person will be put on ignor… and/or maybe a link to this entry…. The post is pretty much on the same subject this person wanted to/did talk about… This isn’t meant to offend anyone… I just need to write/rant about it….

Jesus has never loved me…. neither does god… It doesn’t feel right to me accepting god because by doing so I am admitting that
…he did nothing to help me through 27 years of abuse

…he has robed me of 5 children… 4 of which suffered when burning to death…

To me he is nothing more than a famous person in a history book (aka the bible) and I am NOT ashamed to admit that…
My mother believed she was following god’s will… and probably at some point I believe that too but I’m trying not to believe….

Really…. Was it God’s divine plan that my children, Kimberly and Megan. (age 5), David age (3) and Johnny (age 1) lost their lives in a fire?… Did God put my mother on this earth to “protect” the humanity of this world from my by torturing me?… carving “signs of Satan” in to my body? Remind me constantly of how “evil” I am? Can children really be evil? If you reply to those questions with something like… She wasn’t doing this with God’s approval…. then why the fuck did she…since everything is and everything happens because of God’s divine plan?

Call me stupid or narrow minded or what ever…. I don’t want to believe in any god… I don’t want to believe in a “higher power” I believe there is an physical explanation to everything…. some or maybe most of which we can not proof or even begin to understand because we don’t have the technology to do so….

You’re right, I don’t think there is anything that you or anyone else can say to me about god that will make me change my mind… I do have quite a few friends (online) that have very strong believes in god…and I do thing that it is a great thing for them… It just isn’t for me… Of all the “triggers” in the world religion is one of the most difficult to deal with… I am not a person who goes around avoiding triggering subjects however so on many occasions I’ve found myself entering debates on the subject in all sorts of emotional states…

If you’d ever read through my website you will probably figure out that I am not really a ball of happiness… Due to the abuse I went through I am scared of being “happy”…scared of recovery… scared of myself… scared of life even… I frequently get instant messages or e-mails from people who tell me that if I let myself believe I will “be saved”… I don’t believe that having a religion will save me from anything… it hasn’t in the past and I don’t see it happening in my future…

I am trying to “recover” from ED now… as well as working through other issues from my past… I can only do that by myself… no other person or spiritual power can do that for me… I’m not saying that I need to go through it alone… I don’t think I would be a part of a forum like this… nor would I be publicly broadcasting my life through an online journal if I thought that…. I have people in my life both offline and online that are there for me when I need someone to listen or to hold me… I have a wife that stays with me thought the worst and darkest moments of my life and I do depend on her to help me through those times…. But she can’t go inside my head and change things in there… she can’t take away the memories…. she can’t make me forget nor can she take away the fear… only I can do that… and maybe time…

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