I mentioned the possibility of me being able to stay at home, with my wife and children, and not having to go back to that place where I have been living for the last 17 months or so…

Well, yesterday we had a meeting with someone who is willing to come to our house and keep an eye on :us: (mostly me) while :Sunna: is at work… and do what needs to be done around the house during the day… Although I can’t really tell by this one or two meetings we’ve been to the people we’ve seen seemed nice and I didn’t feel as uncomfortable as I usually feel when my issues are talked about like that…

I have to admit that right now I would love to go to the residential home, get on my computer… where there is a “real” internet connection, and block all thoughts about recovery and normal life out of my head… to run and hide… Just stay inside my little world. But I do want something better than that… That home wasn’t a bad place… and I went there on my own free will… Sometimes I wonder if it really matters where I am… I either quietly float about in the world surround me or hide in my own private little universe…

I haven’t talked about the reasons for me staying there, that is if there are any which I’m not quite sure of… other than they money side of it… It basically coasts more when someone comes to my home than it is for me to go to live somewhere where there are more people with problems like me. In addition, at the time, self-destruction was my obsession and my best friend was dying of cancer…. I know that is one of the reasons Sunna wanted me in that home…. She was afraid of what my reactions would be…. (In a way, she was right about me loosing it in away back then) I know that I’ve put her and my children through hell and not only before those 17 months away but also while I was there… Sometimes it is very hard for me to understand why Sunna still puts up with me and why she still loves me…

I still have those moments of self destruction…. when all I can think about is to rip my skin open… watching the blood flowing out from the wound and/or to feel pain from my body…. from my own hands… There are many reasons for why I do this… and some that I don’t even know of and some that I don’t even understand myself afterwards… Maybe the reasons are as many as the times I feel the urges to hurt myself…

I’m still having obsessions about my weight… Yes, I have gained some over those last few weeks and yes, I should be proud of it… but I’m not… I don’t even want to talk about it really… I feel ashamed, out of control and guilty of not focusing on “what I have to do”…

After the meeting today, I sort of feel like I have just been told that a close friend is dying… It’s like I’m grieving someone/something that isn’t dead yet… grieving my past life. I don’t think people can understand nor do I expect anyone to understand the fact that I get something out of my behavior… If you’re not someone who self-injurers the thought of hurting yourself as I have done off and on most of my life scares you… I’m sure. But try to look at it the other way… For me, the thought of completely being with out it scares me just as much…

My thoughts on this go around in circles… yes I know that I should just stop all these obsessions… No one needs to tell me that really because I know that if I don’t I will end up dead or locked up forever somewhere where the rooms have padding on the wall… But if only it was as easy just doing it and it is thinking or typing it… Let me try…. Let’s see what happens…