I’m still here…. trying to hang on to what I have at the moment… and not really doing that good… It gets harder when I feel guilty every time I log on the internet…. and when I have to choose what to do… which sites to visit… or if I should start a chat with someone… I spend most of my online time reading and replying at the ThinForum and Sinned… I need those places more than ever now… I need the sarcasm and humor on TF just as much as I need to read the more serious stuff… Sometimes I desperately look for something…a topic that I can deeply or totally relate to… but I only find some where I can partly see myself and I get filled with childish envy for those people… I envy them for all the things I don’t have…even some of the things I don’t really want right now… I ask myself why can’t I do this and that?… and the all answers I can come up with are either “just because” or “cos I’m scared”….

I can’t help thinking that the only thing that I am capable of is to be a living dead person… a silent nobody who starves and cuts himself for pleasure… and/or feel guilty for everything no matter what it is or how small… I might sound as if I’m suicidal… yes I am in a way … It’s not as bad or desperate as it used to be…. If you worry that I will take my own life please don’t…. Feeling suicidal and doing something about it are two different things… I’ve had many times where I want to take my own life… and/or where I’ve actually tried… I won’t say that those thoughts are behind me now but I’ve realized that I can’t do that to my children… It may seem a small reason to some but to me it is a very big deal… I don’t want them to grow up with out a father… even though that father is broken…

I try to take each day as it comes and probably by this time tomorrow I won’t be feeling this way…. It’s usually like that… If I’m having a bad day… a good day… or a mixture of the two… it doesn’t really matter anymore… not in the long run… I’m sort of floating by and what is keeping my head up from the water are my children and my wife… and the life I have made for myself online… Maybe I’m feeling like this because I feel restrictions of not being able to stay online all day… That would be silly don’t you think? To me it isn’t silly really but to all of you normal outgoing people out there I’m sure it seems odd…

There are times when I wish that everybody would stop worrying about me… family and friends… and just leave me alone and let me do “my thing” which are mostly self destructive thoughts and acts… I close myself up emotionally… and that most of the time just ends in disaster… Then there are other times when I am like a baby and I want them to take care of me… and I will do anything I’m told to do… which too ends with disaster as I usually start feeling guilty for not trying myself… To me this a drifting between “the only control I have over my life” or no control at all… black or white…. and no middle road…. What if this is how it will always be? What if this is what I want it to be?

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