I don’t know what I am doing here by keeping this journal up anymore… but at the same time I want to continue to write… I love spending my time working on my website… making new layouts…new design… At the same time I don’t want to write about my pathetic depressing life… people don’t need to read about all of that… so I try to take a brake from posting… I have posted here about me taking a brake from this site so many times but only to find myself wanting to post something the next day..or even the same day… and I usually end up posting…

I have been spending a lot of time reading the various mailing lists and forums I’ve joined up with in the past… even done a little posting/replying. Those are lists and forums for abuse survivors, people dealing with self-injury, grief, dissociative disorders/multiplicity and eating disorders… all things that I have or am dealing with in my daily life… but somehow I don’t feel that I can fit in there… anywhere… and most of my posts on all of those lists and forums are replies to an off-topic post… Yet I see countless posts from other people that could so well have been written my me… posts were I can either partially or totally relate to. In spite of that I still feel that I don’t fit in… and I feel like I am trespassing….talking up space that belongs to somebody else…

I know I have a big problem with feeling like that… I feel that with my journal as well…. even thought that deep down my rational thinking tells me that I do have the right to be here just as the next person… that I do have a right to say what is on my mind even if it’s depressing or not… Right now… I am depressed… I am on antidepressants though in the past that hasn’t worked very well for me… It’s just something that I will have to sit through and wait for it to fade away… and I guess it’s also something that my readers will have to sit through as this journal is pretty much a reflection of my life and of what I am feeling as I write… This is my space of thoughts where I feel I can write…. this is my space… and the only space I feel I can fit into at the moment….