I don’t know what I am doing here by keeping this journal up anymore… but at the same time I want to continue to write… I love spending my time working on my website… making new layouts…new design… At the same time I don’t want to write about my pathetic depressing life… people don’t need to read about all of that… so I try to take a brake from posting… I have posted here about me taking a brake from this site so many times but only to find myself wanting to post something the next day..or even the same day… and I usually end up posting…
I have been spending a lot of time reading the various mailing lists and forums I’ve joined up with in the past… even done a little posting/replying. Those are lists and forums for abuse survivors, people dealing with self-injury, grief, dissociative disorders/multiplicity and eating disorders… all things that I have or am dealing with in my daily life… but somehow I don’t feel that I can fit in there… anywhere… and most of my posts on all of those lists and forums are replies to an off-topic post… Yet I see countless posts from other people that could so well have been written my me… posts were I can either partially or totally relate to. In spite of that I still feel that I don’t fit in… and I feel like I am trespassing….talking up space that belongs to somebody else…
I know I have a big problem with feeling like that… I feel that with my journal as well…. even thought that deep down my rational thinking tells me that I do have the right to be here just as the next person… that I do have a right to say what is on my mind even if it’s depressing or not… Right now… I am depressed… I am on antidepressants though in the past that hasn’t worked very well for me… It’s just something that I will have to sit through and wait for it to fade away… and I guess it’s also something that my readers will have to sit through as this journal is pretty much a reflection of my life and of what I am feeling as I write… This is my space of thoughts where I feel I can write…. this is my space… and the only space I feel I can fit into at the moment….
Dear Gabriel. I miss you. And you have the right to be here as anyone. I have been hiding too, how can a PhD say that she’s depressed and who can she talk with….I have to take a surgery so Im going back to Norway Gabriel, I don,t know if I even can be able to come back to USA again and be with Robert. If you have a moment, would you please help him correcting the wrong thing in the blog (ping thing) so that he doesn’t feel all alone here when I’m gone and can be able to write also? I love you Gabriel, please take care……
(((((((((Gab))))))))))) i love you. i’ll send you another rambling email later today or tommorrow, i have stuff i want to say again and instead of writing the whole dang book here i’ll just flood your inbox 🙂 take care, ok?
Wish there was a magic word that would make you feel better! Love you!