I guess I’m doing a little better physically today than the past few days… It’s been a struggle getting up to sit by the computer for long… I’m still at 130lbs but I’ve been eating and I’m feeling a bit stronger physically so I guess that’s good…
A few days ago I passed out on the way to the dinner table… my kids saw their daddy fall flat on his face right in front of them… I hated myself for letting that happen… I punished myself for letting it happened… I hated myself for the punishment…and so on… until I touched the bottom again…
I’m trying to be positive and I keep telling myself that all of this will pass but I believe I am beyond help by now… In the past I say I want help…I get help… do better for a while and then just fall back into my self absorbing and self destructive behavior until I almost hit the bottom and cry out for help again…
I fear that I won’t be safe if I allow myself to be “happy”. It is also a fear of losing it and also it is a fear of something might happen… something that really isn’t in my control… It sounds crazy…but it has happened before… I realize it’s probably me just imagining it…that there are any relation between my happiness/recovery and bad things that happens in my family…. but there isn’t any way for me to proof it right nor wrong…. I’ve posted about this so many times in the past… I’ve been working a lot on this in therapy too…. but I always get stuck on the same thing… I don’t know what is real and what isn’t… I don’t know what to believe…. and in order to keep things safe I can not change… starving my self, cutting myself, feeling pain from my own hands will make everybody else safe…. However that isn’t really what I want for me… If I would want that I don’t think I’d be here whining about it like that… I don’t know if I should just accept all of it and just play along… or if it’s possible…to try even harder than I am now…
I just have to keep on trying the best I can… one day at a time…
(((((Gabriel)))))
Never give up! You can do it! Find happinness within, it is there!
Love Jody xoxo
Gabriel, our friend. We believe in you.
To Gabriel:
Remorse
is dark burgundy roses
rested gainst snow-white sky
on a frosted day
wind howling through my bones
Blackened crows observe,
huddled for warmth above me
observing…
remorse is how i remember my childhood
huddled for warmth, while turned to the cold side
looking into a mirror always reverses an image…
so turn your back to the mirror and you shall be able to face it.
–*hugs ‘n’ kisses*–spider
“all returns to nature. In the end all begins.”
i thought of this while running like a madman through the woods this evening.
all i want is to return to the soil…
…i hope you don’t mind me posting odd things like this…since this is only the second time ive been to this site…IT ROCKS!…at least my parents won’t read it!:)
just to become the trees, to dwell both beneath the soil, and in the great boughs that keep watch of the feilds ready for wheat harvest. to belong, and to sing that silent song that trees do while they dance with the wind and scatter leaves like kisses to the earth…
–god bless, luv, spider